All posts tagged Relationships

Stop Spinning so fast.

Published June 4, 2017 by Kappaloca

Can the world just please stop spinning for a while? Just a few seconds slower please.

As much as I try to fit everything i still want to do in one day I keep finding that I did not do all the things I set out to do. Am I just getting old and slow or has the world’s rotation sped up a bit?

I promised to do the washing today. Did I do it? NO – Because it was more important to go have a Milkshake an Waffle day with my daughters. I say my daughters as I did not even invite my son. He stayed home to watch his Dad and get his homework done. I will spend a Mom and Son day with him alone. Who gives a shit about washing anyway? Wash it tomorrow. If the sun comes out. And if it does not? Well there is always a next day.

Time has a way of slipping away from us. Tasks pile up and some are trashed as they are not that important. Always make time for Family. Family takes prevalence over any tasks that needed doing.

I had a bucket list. Yup … HAD. Who cares if I had done a skydive or jumped off a Cliff or seen The Eiffel Tower? What matters most is that my children had seen me and I had seen them. Some days I feel like killing them or dropping them off inside the Lion Park but  then we kiss and make up and Life goes on. I want them to remember the Good and the Bad times so creating some Good times are of paramount importance as I will not always be around. I am going greyer by the day, getting older by the minute but I swear what ever time I do have left (No I am not dying ) I will do my very best to create the Memories they will need one day to carry on.

I realise now that sweating all the small stuff like cleaning their rooms and making sure their nails are always clean is just a bunch of shit they do not need in life. Being alive, Laughing,  and spending TIME together is what matters most. 

Have I taken on too much? Who’s fault is that? Not their fault.

Am I complaining with a Silver spoon dangling from my hip? Yes

Is the world still spinning too fast? Yes

Can I get back the time wasted on trivial things? NO!

Would I do things differently if given the chance? YES!!!

Do I feel guilty for the missed opportunities? NO! It is unnecessary to take a trip on the guilt train or to play the blame game. Everything happened for a reason. See it as a learning curve. a fulfilment of a Bucket List created by Nature.

It is what it is. 

The only spinning I now need to do is spin the washing in the Tumble Drier.

Having Milkshake with my Grandson makes Life slow down enough. For me the world spun slower for a few minutes today.

PS: I love you.




The Leftovers of a Stroke

Published December 7, 2016 by Kappaloca

In February of 2016 my husband had a stroke.

He spent 3 days in Hospital and another month in a Rehab to help him get back on his feet (literally) There is a Blood clot on the brain that cannot be operated on and his left Carotid artery is 100% damaged. He had speech problems and could not swallow properly. The biggest fear was that he would swallow food and it landing in his lungs. Daily physiotherapy to help him regain his feet and speech was tough but from day 3 he had become obstinate about the way things needed to be done. He point blank refused any  medical staff helping him to bath or dress, I had to do that for him which meant I had to get into the shower with him, wash him, dry him, dress him and get him back to bed. The drooling and not knowing that his food had slipped from his mouth was embarrassing for him. He constantly wiped away at his face but always on the wrongs side. Food would leak out the left and he would wipe the right hand side over and over. He started making foolish decisions and made remarks that was completely out of Character for him. He has always been an extremely proud man. Always very particular about his Hygiene but things would slowly change.

It has now been almost 10 months since the Stroke and I have become his permanent babysitter. He has become cynical, rude, critical, short tempered,depressed at times and very lethargic. There are times when he just stays in his room all day long. He mumbles, calls everyone in the house names and nothing anyone does is ever right. If things are not done his way he sulks for days. Policies had been changed, money has become a HUGE issue to the point of waiting days after payment dates had come and gone before making them. He decides what to buy for dinner for the day. (Mostly bland stews) He has made up his mind that certain foods will make him sick and refuses to eat any of it. His diet has become almost grey. Meat (Mostly chicken or beef), Potato’s, Rice and Butter beans. Vegetables are disgusting. His favourite cereal has become Nutrilife mixed with Yogurt (YUCK). My food always gets either criticised or simply pushed aside. He has developed a sweet tooth like never before.

He hates the fact that he should not drive to the point that he sold his motorbike. a very touchy subject as this was his pride and joy. He either washes the cars, polishes it for hours or just starts the cars and reverses them around the Yard. Now and then he takes the chance to drive to Town but the nerves and anxiety gets the better of him and he hands over the keys without saying anything. If you want him to explode you must say the words, “May not drive.”  He goes apeshit. “No doctor wrote a letter anywhere to say as much. I will Drive if I want to.”

I have become fairly housebound as he does not entertain the idea of me going anywhere by myself. Most days are spent indoors. I have to make sure there is someone home with him before I can leave or at least be on their way home soon. I realise it may be fear of something happening to him again and that no one is home but he would never admit this or say it out loud. He cannot understand that I do things differently to him. He does not like my friends coming over and as I have a large Social media circle of friends who I see and meet up with on a regular basis it has become an escape for me. Whether it is for one hour or three hours, it just gives me a bit of balance again. I miss seeing my friends and hate when I have to lie or make excuses for not being able to meet up with them. I have slowly but surely felt the separation and am not being invited to functions with them anymore. I spend almost half my day in front of my Pc now (which is also a problem) as there is just no Communication between us that would not turn nasty or into a mudslinging of words. My Pc has become my retreat. My place of connecting with a voiceless crowd. As he has the ability to use an i-pad with a stylis pen. He also goes onto social media and I have to be very careful and mindful of the things I post. He sees and reads everything but never ever makes any comments. I am constantly told not to post this or post that. Say this or say that. I get questioned about who I am friends with. I just don’t have the energy to argue with him over my cyber activities. It ranges from sharing Pages, Groups, Blogs, articles and running a Chat group for our local Community that I am very involved in.

Hygiene and time has become his enemy. He waits a few days before taking a shower but his hair (Long curly hair) needs to be brushed and plaited every day. He has gone from wearing stylish matching clothes to Sweatpants ( 4 sizes to big) , mis-shaped t-shirts and Crocs. Whenever we need to be at an event and I know it starts at say 7pm, I would have to tell him that it starts at 6pm in order for him to get ready on time. He will still start getting dressed at 5min to 6 and we would leave at 6:30pm. I dare not hurry him or he will simply have a blowout and stay home.

Almost every single house chore has been taken over as I suddenly have no clue how to clean or use appliances. Instead of letting it get to me I walk away and leave him to do it. It does not get done without a bit of lip from him and the trend is always negative but it gets done his way and gives him the satisfaction that he had done it.

His Obsession has become the daily newspaper and his TV. Once he takes the Remote no one dares change the Channel. It is always Sport. Bike races, Car Races, Cricket and Rugby. The newspaper gets read from first to last word and discarded on the floor. Not folded, chucked. It heaps up and gets left everywhere. His medication has grown from one container to four. We never travel without his Nebulizer. Seldom necessary anymore but it goes wherever we go. Medication boxes does not get thrown away as it needs to be kept for the next prescription. His bedside table looks like a dumpster had been overturned as he keeps everything and everything on it. Hairbrushes, cell phones, I pad, Books, Invoices and Statements, Car Papers, Wallet, knife, tools, pills and whatever else he may need next to him. Do not try and clear anything as that would upset him and start another war. There is also a constant pile of Paper Towel balls that has been used to wipe the side of his mouth. The bin is near enough to discard it but for some reason they get placed on top of the pile.

Anyone who lives with a person who has had a stroke will testify to the fact that things has become the complete opposite of life as we knew it. Everyday brings a new challenge.







Death and Tears and being Gay

Published December 7, 2013 by Kappaloca

It has taken me a while to get myself to admit it.

I miss you. Terribly. I am not one for drama and long grieving after someone has left this world for the freedom of eternity, but your death has had me in tears for days.

You were just a friend. an extra ordinary  friend. We met on my Birthday and in those few hours during my Birthday party I sort of fell in love with you. I knew instantly that you would make a massive impact in my life and you did. We spent hours talking as if we had known each other for years. I could confide in you with my deepest darkest secrets.

You told me your story. Not all of it nice, but I understood the rage within.

You grew up in a very solid family but always felt different. You yourself did not understand until you met Michelle. You knew then that your feelings were real and it had been all along. You had to say it and admit it. You were GAY. You could NEVER tell your mother (hereafter referred to as SHE) as she would not approve or understand. The way she found out was to almost be the beginning of the end for you.

She caught you kissing a girl intimately. She was furious and wanted to kill you and even went to get her gun. She chased you out of her house. So you just left. But leaving was not as easy as anyone would believe. You took charge of your life and dealt with it in your own way. You rebelled. You did anything and everything you knew would grind the stone of her heart even further. You started drinking and smoking and went a step further and tried the hard core stuff. That led to dependency, which led to having to sustain your habits which in turn made you deal.  The ultimate pit of darkness. She did find out. She tried to intervene. You would have none of it. This was your world and your life. You left behind the one person you really loved but that sacrifice was a small one to pay. You never really loved another like you did Michelle.

And then the crash……… You almost lost your life that day. The doctors had no hope for you. Broken back, broken pelvis, broken facial bones, Broken arms. You spent months in Hospital and in Therapy, but you survived. You survived because God had a plan for you. Given you a new lease on life. a second chance. You were drug Free and sober,but you were still unhappy and unfulfilled. Something was still missing and She did not make life any easier as she was still steadfast in her belief that it was just a phase. So you took a chance and showed her the phase. You phased her out by leaving, again. You took on a job in the Bird park in my home town. The scars would never fade and the pain would never stop, but you lived with it in a way. One day at a time.

You started drinking again soon after the accident to cope. Cope with the pain. No excuse but you believed it and I had no right to argue with you. We became best friends. Never anything else. You kissed me once on a dare and I did not mind. You were committed to your work and never failed any assignments. There were times when you wanted to give up, but that never happened. You got a dog. You loved that runt. The naughtiest 4 legged creature ever but he was yours and he loved you unconditionally. He was your Tattoo. (His name) You did have a tattoo on your arm. a tattoo of a wolf with the words: The souls of the dead lives on in the eyes of wolves. You did that to piss her off even more as you knew how much she hated that too.

You came to me in tears one day and it took me back with surprise as you did not easily show emotion. You showed me the text message. a message from HER. She had bought you a plane ticket home for a visit. That was the last thing you had wanted to do. a Family reunion. You came and slept over at my house the day before you had to leave and I had never seen you get so drunk. We had to leave pretty early the next morning as we had an hours drive to the airport. You said you could not care and drank another few beers on the way to the airport. You cried all the way there. I tried my best to comfort you and kept telling you it will be all right. It was just a few days. Knock it back and take it in your stride. and then I played you a song that would become almost an anthem for you. Duffy’s – Distant Dreamer.

You came back and had an almost renewed spirit. You did not want to go back there again in a while. You got stuck back into work and life went on. We had fun in the Park and you spent a lot of time with me in the Restaurant. I always made sure your Lunch was ready as I knew you don’t like cooking. At the end of the month on Pay days we always went for lunch in town and just talked about the things we would still like to do. And then when it came time to renew my lease of the Restaurant I was given a devastating blow. The owner did not want to renew my lease as he had other plans with the premises. I was furious and mad and sad all at the same time, but as time went on I also knew that he had done me no injustice. We did not see each other much after that, but kept in contact and even went to Lunch on the odd occasion. Phone calls on Birthdays and meeting up in Town for a quick chat.

a few weeks back I bumped into you in Town as you were getting medication at the pharmacy and told you that it had been way overdue for a visit. We promised each other to make a plan soon. You told me that there was another visit with Her in the pipeline and then it would be Season. Season meant that you would be working solid for a few weeks before getting a break, but you would then come for a visit. I was looking forward to that.

and then the phone Call …………. You were GONE!!!!!!!!!! Just like that! Complications due to Pneumonia. How was this possible?

I did not get to say Good Bye. I did not even know you were so sick. R. I. P.

I heard it spoken, I took it in, but there was just silence. It took a while for me to Comprehend. and then the Tears came. And when it came I could not stop them. I never knew that I would be so overwhelmed and devastated by the death of a Friend. a very special and dear friend. You were that friend that I could finish sentences for and carry on a conversation where we left off a month ago.

I will miss you, I will mourn you and Forever keep you in my Heart. I am unable to even control my tears now as I write this.

As for HER, I never met her or even spoke to her and cannot get myself to even call and find out what the funeral arrangements are or what will happen to Tattoo.

May you rest in peace my beautiful friend. May your soul roam free.

Daddy Dearest:

Published October 9, 2013 by Kappaloca

a letter I wrote a while back but need to get off my chest as i know there are many others that feel the same and are being treated the same:


Hi “Daddy”,
I should have addressed this letter to someone I once called my love my sweetheart my darling, but now I cannot but send it to my “daddy” because that is what you have become.
I have to answer to you like a child and get reprimanded like a child because as per you after 30 years I have still not learnt any lessons.
You play mind games with me and think it’s justified?
I need your “permission” to go see my parents???????? Since when?
I have over a 30+ year period tried very hard to stand by you, I have tried to be understanding and believed that we could work things out, but things are getting hard for us all to bear.
You go on 3 day drinking binges and believe that it is your right to call me a fucking dumb bitch, a worthless piece of shit, a whore, unfit mother and worse. You erupt into fits of anger and wake me up in the middle of the night to “FETCH” you an axe so you can behead me??!?!?!?!?! Are you serious???

The neighbours have had to witness you chasing me down the street with a pitchfork, You stand over me with knives and make me an offer of choosing by which blade length I would like to die? You grab the broom away from me because I am too fucking stupid to know how to push a broom properly. You clean and clean and “clean” the kitchen sink and counter tops. If it’s such a big deal to have a clean kitchen why don’t you scrub the floors as well? What about the bathroom where you have to wash yourself? Why don’t you clean YOUR bedroom? I am on a daily basis told to shut the Fuck up. To think before I speak. To think before I do anything. To think before I go anywhere.
My food is never good enough.( Normally ends up for the dogs ) My cleaning not good enough, so what is the use of doing it anyway.
Does your bosses know you sit in your office and drink and hide your empty bottles? You drive home drunk and drink further and then terrorise me and the children until 2 or 3 in the morning before you pass out.
Every time in the past that I have held a job you have in some way and some time made it impossible for me to continue, you have put me to shame by arriving at my place of work drunk. My children are too ashamed to bring friends home, because they get embarrassed by your Behaviour.
You attack me verbally about my capabilities but I have not ever seen you even once try to do something to alleviate the problems. I am too afraid to discuss anything with you, because I know that sooner or later you will throw it back at me with a vengeance.
Your outbursts are getting worse and worse. You refuse to see that you have a problem  ????????????????????????????????
I wonder if your bosses are aware that you have a problem? I wonder if they will offer you help in this regard. I have tried to help you by having you forcibly take medication, have implants, being understanding and looking for and making excuses for you. Will they?
You constantly remind me that you want to drink yourself to death because it’s your right. What about our rights? Me and your children?
You have sold off all policies and have now started taking loans on your pension. You threaten to take the children off your medical aid and have the electricity cut. Who are you trying to spite here ”Daddy”?
You have taken away my self worth, but you will NEVER break my spirit.
You tell me to get the Fuck out of your life but now that I want to leave you tell me it’s not going happen????? What’s up with that?
Why don’t you let me leave so that I CAN go?
I have isolated myself from everything and everybody but my children. Since I am home and not working any more ( 11month’s ) I have become to afraid to leave the house to go to the shop and I have to ask your permission to go see a Dr., a friend, have the car to go to town. Oh yeah i forgot, i need your permission to use the car too.
Does the fear you see in me and your children give you a high? Does it make you feel superior? Do you like that face you see in the mirror in the mornings? Do you for even one moment think that this is all normal?
Regarding my tattoos: It’s my choice, it’s my body, it’s my freedom. I DO NOT need your permission – DADDY!
I am warning you today that if you come home drunk or try to stop me and the children from leaving this house I will send this e-mail to your Bosses, the Police, my family, your friends and as many Lawyers as I can get who will listen to me. I have already passed it on to someone I CAN trust.

Ps. Do not threaten me ever ever ever again.

Survived, Survivor, Dealing with it. Or am I?

Published August 23, 2013 by Kappaloca

Through the Years I have kept leaflets, notes, and written down in little manuscript books the things that came to mind and the things done to me by not just my Abusive Husband but the little incidents from even before I got married. Some were buried deep down in my memory bank.

My abuse is not just by the hands of one man. I am a Survivor of a few.

Do I put them in Print?

Do I leave it and let my kids find the books or the documents I have stored on my Computer after I have left this earth?

Can I have them Published?

Who would want to read about what happened to me?

Am I guilty of letting these men get away with what they did?

Can they still be prosecuted?

Is it worth the effort?

Who would Believe me?

Is the Justice System really helping the “Victims”?

So many questions and so few answers for myself. I do know most of the answers but am afraid of acting on them.

For years I kept searching myself and asking myself how much blame was in my court.

Well today I believe firmly that each and every person who had endured prolonged abuse has a little bit of blame in their Court. We are to blame for not speaking out or acting faster. Now don’t beat yourself up about it either as, as much as I am saying this just as much was I a part of this statistic. I had plenty of opportunity to leave and not come back, but I kept lying to myself by believing that the next time going back things would be fine.

It normally did go well for a few days, sometimes weeks and on occasion even a month went by that things were normal. By normal I mean there was effort on his side to behave and not find fault or explode at the flip of a switch. Then off Course the slightest thing would send hi over the edge and all actions and argument was justified from his point of view.

How does one change an entire society of angry people who take their frustrations out on children or their partners? Where does education start? Are these abusers born that way or are we raising them to be abusers?

I have vowed to my son that if he ever, ever lifts his hands to a woman he would not see the sun come up the next day. Yeah I know threatening him is not the way to get the message across, but I also provide him with the alternatives to getting angry. If more mothers raised their sons to respect women and raise their daughters not to become involved with men who are easily angered many of these evils can be stopped.

Court Orders, Divorce, Taking the Kids and many other reasons can  trigger emotion in the partners that can send them over the edge.

I have found these webpages and it is packed with information on dealing with ALL kinds of abuse.




“Unfortunately research also tell us that leaving is one of the most common triggers for being killed.”

She wears my ring forever … Part 2

Published August 20, 2013 by Kappaloca

They arrived at my house early on the morning of the wedding and proceeded to get ready. She looked so radiant and beautiful. He had a couple of drinks. There were very few friends as this was a rush. he had to be back at work on Monday morning. I asked her if she was sure she was doing the right thing and she looked so happy. How could I still doubt the happiness in her eyes.  She walked into church barefoot and flowers in her hair. a few pictures was taken after the ceremony was done and we went back to my house to celebrate. I even took him into my sons bedroom and asked him to please take care of her. She is my sister. Not by blood but she’s my sister. 

After the wedding, they went back to what has now become “Their” house by the sea. He does not own the house, he lives there rent free and also does not pay any Water or Electricity usage. He told her she could change anything in the house and move it around the way she would like to live in it. She could not wait to start living her dream with her new man.

He somehow convinced her that it would be a good idea for her son and his fiancé to come live with them as the house has 3 bedrooms and he would be able to set him up in a workplace quickly. This went well for a week or so before the cracks started showing and he started making objections about how they used the house and about the girlfriend being Lazy and a slob. She just chose to stay in her room as she quickly learnt that he was either mostly pissed or irate or ready to pick a fight. She started working shifts at a nearby shop, so they mostly missed each other. When they found out that the  fiancé was pregnant it unleashed a fury of words from him.  He made it so impossible for them to stay. Her son soon found himself another Job in a different Town closer to his other Family.  The Husband  was happy for a while and then started insisting that she bring her younger son who was still in school to come live with them. She looked forward to having him around. To move him from school would be costly but Mr said it would be fine and they would meet the financial implications. So not!! She ended up paying every cent out of her own resources on top of finding out that her elder son had left her with huge Bills at her flat. (That she owned)  Things were starting to unravel. The shouting got louder and the periods of Silent treatment got longer. 

a glass out of place would either get banged very loudly or would simply be smashed against a wall or on the floor. Something had to give and I did not have long to wait before the phone call came. She needed to get out of there as he had attacked her. He did this in such a conniving way that her son only saw her end of the brawl. He had hit her across the face and arms and when she defended herself he called out to her son to come and help him as she was busy losing her mind. The son in his innocence believed him.  The next day he deleted her off his social media page and started the silent treatment on her. The more silence, the more drinks. Bashing some stuff around and even punching a few holes in the brand new mattress that she paid for with a knife. He showed these to her son and said she did them. he in turn phoned the family and told them she was going crazy. The poor child was being dragged into an adult situation he had never had to deal with before and was naive and vulnerable. He started keeping to himself and kept to his room.  This started boiling over too as he was being rude and disrespectful.! 

She had just had enough one evening and packed what she could and left. She came “Home” again. This was short lived as he had in three days convinced her of how sorry he was and needed her back in his life. He cried like a baby and promised that this time things would be different. Promised he would go see a Psychiatrist if she promised to go with. That NEVER happened. When I phoned to see how it’s going she would simply say: “He’s trying”

He promised the son a dog. The moment the Pup got there it was ousted and had to stay outdoors.  More aggravation as the pup would do it’s business and when the son had not  picked  it up in time the arguments would start. Mother and son both had nothing other than their Laptop and Pc to keep them occupied as he was either sleeping or watching some criminal case study (His favourite) on Tv. On a day like just the rest of all other days he had asked her for something and she was playing games on her laptop. The game involved a time challenge and she asked him to wait.

DING DING!!!!!! Wrong answer. Alarm bells and raging Bulls.

He grabbed the laptop and smashed it against the wall. The screen cracked and when she started to yell at him he walked into the sons room and smashed his Pc with a hammer that he collected off the table by the door. She ran to the kitchen where she was basically trapped and as she turned around to take the glass to him that he had originally asked her for he smacked it out of her hands, still yielding the hammer. The toaster and a very expensive electrical kitchen piece was next. Smashed it to pieces.  He kept ranting for the rest of the evening whilst she had to clean up everything he had damaged.  He had at one stage yanked open the fridge door so hard that half the contents in the door casings had fallen out and glass splinters and juices and sauces were all over the place.

The next day she posted the pictures of what he had done all over social media and someone connected with them both had told him what she had done. That evening she had more trouble than ever before and he gave her a nice shiner and a badly bruised arm. When he left for work the next day the son was too scared to move from the house so did not go to school. He was a wreck. His school work was getting behind and marks were dropping. Not just did he have to find his feet in a new school with new teachers and pupils he had to be his mothers protector. His own father had always treated his mother like a queen. She had never known a life like this. 


When she finally phoned and needed our help, everyone who cared had a dilemma or problem or could not help. I was beside myself with fear as she would have to leave in the dead of night whilst he was at work. She eventually managed to muster up the courage, got some stuff together and “escaped”. She was home free for a while, but knew the phone calls and pleas would start soon. What I cannot understand for the life of me is why she did not just turn her phone off or just not answer it for a few hours. He begged, pleaded, made promises and told her the reason why he gets so mad is that her son is interfering in their relationship. He has no respect and is lazy.

She came to see me and asked me to help her find a school for her son or she would have to send him back to her mother so he can continue his schooling. She ended up doing just that. She put him on a train, but had to drive a few town away to do so. Next thing I knew she was back with him. He had bugged her and begged her for one final chance. In this time the pup had to go where they went and was getting used to all the travelling as well.  He always came up with the ideas of what they would have for supper but rarely ate a morsel. It usually ended in the rubbish bin or the pup had to eat the feast. The pup got so spoilt that it even had Crayfish (Extremely expensive) for Breakfast one day. Things went well for a while I assumed, as I hardly heard from her and as she had asked me to give her space I respected it. 

He had behaved and they spoke for hours and he really tried, really tried very hard. He cut his drinking down to half of what he used to and most evenings went fine until he got ticked off by a minor incident again and went on a drinking binge. She decided she had had enough of him controlling her and went to look for him after he had stormed out the house hours earlier. She found him in his favourite drinking hole and just quietly went and sat down next to him. She ordered herself a mug of Coffee. (yes they do serve coffee at this bar) Next thing she knew he had whipped out some money and slammed it down on the Counter top. He loudly invited anyone who who want to fuck this ugly fat bitch that he would pay for it.  No one in the bar came to her defence and the embarrassment and humiliation flattened her. She walked out and got into her car and drove home. More than an hour later he came in and told her to pack her things and Fuck-Off!!! 

Unfortunately for him she was packed already. When he saw this he went ballistic and took a knife out and walked out to her car, slashing all her tyres. she had made sure to hide her keys and her cell phone out of reach.  He eventually went to bed way after 4 am in the morning.  His father came over sometime during the course of the morning and after seeing what his son had done drove to a neighbouring town and purchased some retread tyres for her. He woke up later and begged her for forgiveness. He loves her so much that it drives him insane to see other men looking at her.

What a pot of shit!!! 

She left AGAIN!!!!! This time vowing to never go back. 



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