All posts tagged Pain

As the hourglass spills it’s contents

Published May 13, 2014 by Kappaloca

The Hourglass has only so many crumbs of Sand.

Life is measured by those crumbs.

And so Today has been another day of Heartache.

Saying Goodbye is never a good feeling and seeing those who have loved in so much pain leaves no one unscathed. Too many deaths. Too many broken souls. So many tears.

Keep the Memories and make them last. 
Condolences is said but the pain can not be erased. Everyone deals with their anguish in their own way. 
I wish you all Peace and Strength in the days to come and the weeks to follow.
When the hurting is done the pain will fade but the emotions roll on.

Life is not fair but our hour is marked.
For each of us death deals a card.
Be brave and be strong. 
For those who have died we must remain strong.


Death and Tears and being Gay

Published December 7, 2013 by Kappaloca

It has taken me a while to get myself to admit it.

I miss you. Terribly. I am not one for drama and long grieving after someone has left this world for the freedom of eternity, but your death has had me in tears for days.

You were just a friend. an extra ordinary  friend. We met on my Birthday and in those few hours during my Birthday party I sort of fell in love with you. I knew instantly that you would make a massive impact in my life and you did. We spent hours talking as if we had known each other for years. I could confide in you with my deepest darkest secrets.

You told me your story. Not all of it nice, but I understood the rage within.

You grew up in a very solid family but always felt different. You yourself did not understand until you met Michelle. You knew then that your feelings were real and it had been all along. You had to say it and admit it. You were GAY. You could NEVER tell your mother (hereafter referred to as SHE) as she would not approve or understand. The way she found out was to almost be the beginning of the end for you.

She caught you kissing a girl intimately. She was furious and wanted to kill you and even went to get her gun. She chased you out of her house. So you just left. But leaving was not as easy as anyone would believe. You took charge of your life and dealt with it in your own way. You rebelled. You did anything and everything you knew would grind the stone of her heart even further. You started drinking and smoking and went a step further and tried the hard core stuff. That led to dependency, which led to having to sustain your habits which in turn made you deal.  The ultimate pit of darkness. She did find out. She tried to intervene. You would have none of it. This was your world and your life. You left behind the one person you really loved but that sacrifice was a small one to pay. You never really loved another like you did Michelle.

And then the crash……… You almost lost your life that day. The doctors had no hope for you. Broken back, broken pelvis, broken facial bones, Broken arms. You spent months in Hospital and in Therapy, but you survived. You survived because God had a plan for you. Given you a new lease on life. a second chance. You were drug Free and sober,but you were still unhappy and unfulfilled. Something was still missing and She did not make life any easier as she was still steadfast in her belief that it was just a phase. So you took a chance and showed her the phase. You phased her out by leaving, again. You took on a job in the Bird park in my home town. The scars would never fade and the pain would never stop, but you lived with it in a way. One day at a time.

You started drinking again soon after the accident to cope. Cope with the pain. No excuse but you believed it and I had no right to argue with you. We became best friends. Never anything else. You kissed me once on a dare and I did not mind. You were committed to your work and never failed any assignments. There were times when you wanted to give up, but that never happened. You got a dog. You loved that runt. The naughtiest 4 legged creature ever but he was yours and he loved you unconditionally. He was your Tattoo. (His name) You did have a tattoo on your arm. a tattoo of a wolf with the words: The souls of the dead lives on in the eyes of wolves. You did that to piss her off even more as you knew how much she hated that too.

You came to me in tears one day and it took me back with surprise as you did not easily show emotion. You showed me the text message. a message from HER. She had bought you a plane ticket home for a visit. That was the last thing you had wanted to do. a Family reunion. You came and slept over at my house the day before you had to leave and I had never seen you get so drunk. We had to leave pretty early the next morning as we had an hours drive to the airport. You said you could not care and drank another few beers on the way to the airport. You cried all the way there. I tried my best to comfort you and kept telling you it will be all right. It was just a few days. Knock it back and take it in your stride. and then I played you a song that would become almost an anthem for you. Duffy’s – Distant Dreamer.

You came back and had an almost renewed spirit. You did not want to go back there again in a while. You got stuck back into work and life went on. We had fun in the Park and you spent a lot of time with me in the Restaurant. I always made sure your Lunch was ready as I knew you don’t like cooking. At the end of the month on Pay days we always went for lunch in town and just talked about the things we would still like to do. And then when it came time to renew my lease of the Restaurant I was given a devastating blow. The owner did not want to renew my lease as he had other plans with the premises. I was furious and mad and sad all at the same time, but as time went on I also knew that he had done me no injustice. We did not see each other much after that, but kept in contact and even went to Lunch on the odd occasion. Phone calls on Birthdays and meeting up in Town for a quick chat.

a few weeks back I bumped into you in Town as you were getting medication at the pharmacy and told you that it had been way overdue for a visit. We promised each other to make a plan soon. You told me that there was another visit with Her in the pipeline and then it would be Season. Season meant that you would be working solid for a few weeks before getting a break, but you would then come for a visit. I was looking forward to that.

and then the phone Call …………. You were GONE!!!!!!!!!! Just like that! Complications due to Pneumonia. How was this possible?

I did not get to say Good Bye. I did not even know you were so sick. R. I. P.

I heard it spoken, I took it in, but there was just silence. It took a while for me to Comprehend. and then the Tears came. And when it came I could not stop them. I never knew that I would be so overwhelmed and devastated by the death of a Friend. a very special and dear friend. You were that friend that I could finish sentences for and carry on a conversation where we left off a month ago.

I will miss you, I will mourn you and Forever keep you in my Heart. I am unable to even control my tears now as I write this.

As for HER, I never met her or even spoke to her and cannot get myself to even call and find out what the funeral arrangements are or what will happen to Tattoo.

May you rest in peace my beautiful friend. May your soul roam free.

Damage Control

Published September 24, 2013 by Kappaloca

I have not written in a while. I have been emotionally and physically drained after an attack of my person by someone I least expected it from.

My son in law allowed my daughter to come visit with me and my family for a week. a week of absolute bliss, but let me put you in the picture here.

I was 15 when I fell pregnant with my child and she was taken from me directly after birth. She grew up always knowing she had been adopted and special, and then one day her teacher had a teaching on special children. Special children are children who had either survived trauma or was adopted. My daughter told her that she was special as she was adopted too. She busted her bubble and told her that if she was adopted her mommy was not her real mommy. The kids laughed at her and she went home crying. She was told the whole truth and always knew I was out there somewhere. and so she found me just before she turned twenty. (think I told this part before) My life had become complete the day she contacted me. 

She grew up and got married and although we knew each other we never had much close contact other than social media and Telephone calls. Her husband is the most charming man and I was proud to have him as a son in law. Jovial and always laughing. Extremely Talented and He takes great care of my daughter and the kids. He is a fantastic dancer and loves to show off his talents. He worked hard to give them everything of the best. Being in the mining Industry is hard work and meant lots of time away from home. He took on several long contracts overseas and also signed up to go to Russia for five years. I think that somewhere here things had started going wrong. Very, very wrong. He came home for a two week holiday but became moody and aggressive and started sneaking out the house and odd hours. When he came back home the excuses were unbelievable. The aggression became more intense and soon he lost his job. He was sent back and relieved of his contract duties in Russia.  

He applied for another Job outside the Borders and asked me to take care of the kids so my daughter could come visit him for a week. I flew up and the time spent with my two grandchildren was phenomenal. I don’t get to see them much so it was a very special time for us. a  week after I came home my daughter  phoned me and we spoke on the phone for a long time. She told me he would be home for a break in two weeks, but also told me she had concerns about his mood swings. She could not put a finger on it or tell me what it was. When he did come home he phoned me and we had a lovely chat.He kept thanking me for looking after the kids and that we should do so again soon. I was thrilled.

Well that did not happen as just the very next weekend my daughter drove the 3 hours to the airport to send him off, but as she arrived back home the phone rang and she was asked to immediately return to the airport to collect him. When she arrived she had to wait for the plane to land and was totally oblivious as to what had happened. She thought he had been laid off again, but what transpired next I do not wish on my worst enemy. He was carried off the plane on a stretcher. His entire face was cover in blood and he was unable to speak. He was a mess and his eyes had also swollen shut. He was whisked off to hospital and she had to wait almost three days before he could write down what had happened to him. His jaw had to be reconstructed and wired in place. He wrote down on paper to her that he had tried to stop a fight between workers about half an hour after stepping off the plane and was then severely beaten by bystanders who had mistaken him as the instigator. 

Some time later I got a phone call from my daughter telling me that she had taken the kids and moved out of the house.

He was a drug Addict!!!! He has used “Cat”  Cocaine. Cat is also a slang name, given to the stimulant drug called methcathinone. It can be snorted or inhaled and is highly addictive.

This explained the moods swings and the aggressive behaviour. Explained the stuff disappearing from the house. The late nights. The phone calls in the dead of night. It took a full year and a half of him promising to seek help and getting drug free. and then she went back. Back to him and the endless fights over the time she had spent away from him. Accusations of her not being truthful and jealousy took over or so she thought. She was flattered by the fact that it made him jealous to think of her with another man although she had been 100% faithful to him. They went to counselling together. Did the whole shebang and moved back in with each other so the kids could have a stable house again. 

Then he finally allowed her to come for a visit. All was wonderful. She kept in contact with him daily and even hourly. He overslept on two mornings and the kids stayed out of school. To him it was funny. To her it was concern. On the weekend before she left we went to my other daughter for dinner and her phone kept going off so in a joking manner I took it off her hands and sent him a voicenote saying thank you for letting us have her for a week, but what is the use if he keeps her so busy on the phone that we don’t get a chance to speak to her. I sent the message. We giggled about it and I still mentioned how quiet the phone had gone. I knew he would see the funny side of it. The evening carried on and nothing was said about it again.

Three days later we said our very sad good-byes as we saw her off at the Bus Station. We made plans for a next visit or to either send my grand daughter down here to visit or me to go up to them. 

The very next evening I received a call from my daughter to ask me to please explain to him why I had sent that dreadful message and I then heard him scream ans cuss in the background calling her a Whore and telling her she is just as F#@t-up as her mother. He cussed me to the depth of hell and back and told her to put the phone down and never ever call me again.

I felt like someone had picked me up and physically thrown me against a brick wall. Slammed the breath out of my lungs. I had been Abused by an Alcoholic for most of my adult life and it took years and years to forgive and carry on with my Life and now I had to not just listen to my daughter being Abused but the Abuse is directed back at me as well. Every word echoing the past and the words I heard and endured a thousand times.

I have not heard from my daughter in over three weeks now and it is ripping me apart. My entire world has caved in. I am not allowed to have contact with her. She does not answer my calls or messages. 

My Beautiful Son in Law has been sucked in by the Drug Monster

There is no Control in the lives of people who give themselves to the pressures of the Drug Lords who live only to enrich them self. The attack on him was done by those Drug Lords whom he had owed money to. They had waited for him just outside the airport the day he went back to work. The had to do Damage Control to make it known that their Goods does not come Free and so Never will he. They have set their claws in deep. The consequences of the lives they destroy of no interest to them.  

I am totally heartbroken and devastated. I have no energy to get up and I lie awake for hours and blame myself for what I had done. I have become and insomniac. Why had I sent that stupid message? ????

I was so grateful for the time we got to spend together and now it feels like I had lost her again. The pain won’t go away.

Maybe I should do my own bit of Damage Control. I can think of so many things to do to him, but fear holds me back. Fear of what he could do to my daughter or worse, my grand children.

For now all I can do is Cry. Cry for my beautiful daughter and my precious grand children.



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