Heartache

All posts tagged Heartache

Dad

Published April 21, 2015 by Kappaloca

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Closure after the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to deal with. I am scared. Scared of losing the smells and the memories, Scared of losing the sounds associated with that person. I am scared of becoming overbearing. I am scared of pushing people away when I talk about my love for you. Every time I hear certain songs it reminds me of you. I wait for the phone to ring and hearing your Voice, but it will never come again. I wondered what your last words were. Tonight I found that answer. a massive concrete wall fell away from my shoulders. Knowing you loved me unconditionally releases every fibre of stress and pain. I am setting you free. Thankfully we have evolved and I can read and re read the e-mails we sent each other. they were never just ordinary e-mails, they we poetic. Each one carefully thought out, typed with difficulty but always with passion. I don’t care how pathetic my words sound to others. My pain is immense. I have not felt such emotions engulf me since the loss of my son. what keeps me going is my family, my children and friends who embrace me and hold me tight and send me messages of encouragement when I need them most.

Death and Tears and being Gay

Published December 7, 2013 by Kappaloca

It has taken me a while to get myself to admit it.

I miss you. Terribly. I am not one for drama and long grieving after someone has left this world for the freedom of eternity, but your death has had me in tears for days.

You were just a friend. an extra ordinary  friend. We met on my Birthday and in those few hours during my Birthday party I sort of fell in love with you. I knew instantly that you would make a massive impact in my life and you did. We spent hours talking as if we had known each other for years. I could confide in you with my deepest darkest secrets.

You told me your story. Not all of it nice, but I understood the rage within.

You grew up in a very solid family but always felt different. You yourself did not understand until you met Michelle. You knew then that your feelings were real and it had been all along. You had to say it and admit it. You were GAY. You could NEVER tell your mother (hereafter referred to as SHE) as she would not approve or understand. The way she found out was to almost be the beginning of the end for you.

She caught you kissing a girl intimately. She was furious and wanted to kill you and even went to get her gun. She chased you out of her house. So you just left. But leaving was not as easy as anyone would believe. You took charge of your life and dealt with it in your own way. You rebelled. You did anything and everything you knew would grind the stone of her heart even further. You started drinking and smoking and went a step further and tried the hard core stuff. That led to dependency, which led to having to sustain your habits which in turn made you deal.  The ultimate pit of darkness. She did find out. She tried to intervene. You would have none of it. This was your world and your life. You left behind the one person you really loved but that sacrifice was a small one to pay. You never really loved another like you did Michelle.

And then the crash……… You almost lost your life that day. The doctors had no hope for you. Broken back, broken pelvis, broken facial bones, Broken arms. You spent months in Hospital and in Therapy, but you survived. You survived because God had a plan for you. Given you a new lease on life. a second chance. You were drug Free and sober,but you were still unhappy and unfulfilled. Something was still missing and She did not make life any easier as she was still steadfast in her belief that it was just a phase. So you took a chance and showed her the phase. You phased her out by leaving, again. You took on a job in the Bird park in my home town. The scars would never fade and the pain would never stop, but you lived with it in a way. One day at a time.

You started drinking again soon after the accident to cope. Cope with the pain. No excuse but you believed it and I had no right to argue with you. We became best friends. Never anything else. You kissed me once on a dare and I did not mind. You were committed to your work and never failed any assignments. There were times when you wanted to give up, but that never happened. You got a dog. You loved that runt. The naughtiest 4 legged creature ever but he was yours and he loved you unconditionally. He was your Tattoo. (His name) You did have a tattoo on your arm. a tattoo of a wolf with the words: The souls of the dead lives on in the eyes of wolves. You did that to piss her off even more as you knew how much she hated that too.

You came to me in tears one day and it took me back with surprise as you did not easily show emotion. You showed me the text message. a message from HER. She had bought you a plane ticket home for a visit. That was the last thing you had wanted to do. a Family reunion. You came and slept over at my house the day before you had to leave and I had never seen you get so drunk. We had to leave pretty early the next morning as we had an hours drive to the airport. You said you could not care and drank another few beers on the way to the airport. You cried all the way there. I tried my best to comfort you and kept telling you it will be all right. It was just a few days. Knock it back and take it in your stride. and then I played you a song that would become almost an anthem for you. Duffy’s – Distant Dreamer. http://youtu.be/aRCLkic9_lE

You came back and had an almost renewed spirit. You did not want to go back there again in a while. You got stuck back into work and life went on. We had fun in the Park and you spent a lot of time with me in the Restaurant. I always made sure your Lunch was ready as I knew you don’t like cooking. At the end of the month on Pay days we always went for lunch in town and just talked about the things we would still like to do. And then when it came time to renew my lease of the Restaurant I was given a devastating blow. The owner did not want to renew my lease as he had other plans with the premises. I was furious and mad and sad all at the same time, but as time went on I also knew that he had done me no injustice. We did not see each other much after that, but kept in contact and even went to Lunch on the odd occasion. Phone calls on Birthdays and meeting up in Town for a quick chat.

a few weeks back I bumped into you in Town as you were getting medication at the pharmacy and told you that it had been way overdue for a visit. We promised each other to make a plan soon. You told me that there was another visit with Her in the pipeline and then it would be Season. Season meant that you would be working solid for a few weeks before getting a break, but you would then come for a visit. I was looking forward to that.

and then the phone Call …………. You were GONE!!!!!!!!!! Just like that! Complications due to Pneumonia. How was this possible?

I did not get to say Good Bye. I did not even know you were so sick. R. I. P.

I heard it spoken, I took it in, but there was just silence. It took a while for me to Comprehend. and then the Tears came. And when it came I could not stop them. I never knew that I would be so overwhelmed and devastated by the death of a Friend. a very special and dear friend. You were that friend that I could finish sentences for and carry on a conversation where we left off a month ago.

I will miss you, I will mourn you and Forever keep you in my Heart. I am unable to even control my tears now as I write this.

As for HER, I never met her or even spoke to her and cannot get myself to even call and find out what the funeral arrangements are or what will happen to Tattoo.

May you rest in peace my beautiful friend. May your soul roam free.

Damage Control

Published September 24, 2013 by Kappaloca

I have not written in a while. I have been emotionally and physically drained after an attack of my person by someone I least expected it from.

My son in law allowed my daughter to come visit with me and my family for a week. a week of absolute bliss, but let me put you in the picture here.

I was 15 when I fell pregnant with my child and she was taken from me directly after birth. She grew up always knowing she had been adopted and special, and then one day her teacher had a teaching on special children. Special children are children who had either survived trauma or was adopted. My daughter told her that she was special as she was adopted too. She busted her bubble and told her that if she was adopted her mommy was not her real mommy. The kids laughed at her and she went home crying. She was told the whole truth and always knew I was out there somewhere. and so she found me just before she turned twenty. (think I told this part before) My life had become complete the day she contacted me. 

She grew up and got married and although we knew each other we never had much close contact other than social media and Telephone calls. Her husband is the most charming man and I was proud to have him as a son in law. Jovial and always laughing. Extremely Talented and He takes great care of my daughter and the kids. He is a fantastic dancer and loves to show off his talents. He worked hard to give them everything of the best. Being in the mining Industry is hard work and meant lots of time away from home. He took on several long contracts overseas and also signed up to go to Russia for five years. I think that somewhere here things had started going wrong. Very, very wrong. He came home for a two week holiday but became moody and aggressive and started sneaking out the house and odd hours. When he came back home the excuses were unbelievable. The aggression became more intense and soon he lost his job. He was sent back and relieved of his contract duties in Russia.  

He applied for another Job outside the Borders and asked me to take care of the kids so my daughter could come visit him for a week. I flew up and the time spent with my two grandchildren was phenomenal. I don’t get to see them much so it was a very special time for us. a  week after I came home my daughter  phoned me and we spoke on the phone for a long time. She told me he would be home for a break in two weeks, but also told me she had concerns about his mood swings. She could not put a finger on it or tell me what it was. When he did come home he phoned me and we had a lovely chat.He kept thanking me for looking after the kids and that we should do so again soon. I was thrilled.

Well that did not happen as just the very next weekend my daughter drove the 3 hours to the airport to send him off, but as she arrived back home the phone rang and she was asked to immediately return to the airport to collect him. When she arrived she had to wait for the plane to land and was totally oblivious as to what had happened. She thought he had been laid off again, but what transpired next I do not wish on my worst enemy. He was carried off the plane on a stretcher. His entire face was cover in blood and he was unable to speak. He was a mess and his eyes had also swollen shut. He was whisked off to hospital and she had to wait almost three days before he could write down what had happened to him. His jaw had to be reconstructed and wired in place. He wrote down on paper to her that he had tried to stop a fight between workers about half an hour after stepping off the plane and was then severely beaten by bystanders who had mistaken him as the instigator. 

Some time later I got a phone call from my daughter telling me that she had taken the kids and moved out of the house.

He was a drug Addict!!!! He has used “Cat”  Cocaine. Cat is also a slang name, given to the stimulant drug called methcathinone. It can be snorted or inhaled and is highly addictive.

This explained the moods swings and the aggressive behaviour. Explained the stuff disappearing from the house. The late nights. The phone calls in the dead of night. It took a full year and a half of him promising to seek help and getting drug free. and then she went back. Back to him and the endless fights over the time she had spent away from him. Accusations of her not being truthful and jealousy took over or so she thought. She was flattered by the fact that it made him jealous to think of her with another man although she had been 100% faithful to him. They went to counselling together. Did the whole shebang and moved back in with each other so the kids could have a stable house again. 

Then he finally allowed her to come for a visit. All was wonderful. She kept in contact with him daily and even hourly. He overslept on two mornings and the kids stayed out of school. To him it was funny. To her it was concern. On the weekend before she left we went to my other daughter for dinner and her phone kept going off so in a joking manner I took it off her hands and sent him a voicenote saying thank you for letting us have her for a week, but what is the use if he keeps her so busy on the phone that we don’t get a chance to speak to her. I sent the message. We giggled about it and I still mentioned how quiet the phone had gone. I knew he would see the funny side of it. The evening carried on and nothing was said about it again.

Three days later we said our very sad good-byes as we saw her off at the Bus Station. We made plans for a next visit or to either send my grand daughter down here to visit or me to go up to them. 

The very next evening I received a call from my daughter to ask me to please explain to him why I had sent that dreadful message and I then heard him scream ans cuss in the background calling her a Whore and telling her she is just as F#@t-up as her mother. He cussed me to the depth of hell and back and told her to put the phone down and never ever call me again.

I felt like someone had picked me up and physically thrown me against a brick wall. Slammed the breath out of my lungs. I had been Abused by an Alcoholic for most of my adult life and it took years and years to forgive and carry on with my Life and now I had to not just listen to my daughter being Abused but the Abuse is directed back at me as well. Every word echoing the past and the words I heard and endured a thousand times.

I have not heard from my daughter in over three weeks now and it is ripping me apart. My entire world has caved in. I am not allowed to have contact with her. She does not answer my calls or messages. 

My Beautiful Son in Law has been sucked in by the Drug Monster

There is no Control in the lives of people who give themselves to the pressures of the Drug Lords who live only to enrich them self. The attack on him was done by those Drug Lords whom he had owed money to. They had waited for him just outside the airport the day he went back to work. The had to do Damage Control to make it known that their Goods does not come Free and so Never will he. They have set their claws in deep. The consequences of the lives they destroy of no interest to them.  

I am totally heartbroken and devastated. I have no energy to get up and I lie awake for hours and blame myself for what I had done. I have become and insomniac. Why had I sent that stupid message? ????

I was so grateful for the time we got to spend together and now it feels like I had lost her again. The pain won’t go away.

Maybe I should do my own bit of Damage Control. I can think of so many things to do to him, but fear holds me back. Fear of what he could do to my daughter or worse, my grand children.

For now all I can do is Cry. Cry for my beautiful daughter and my precious grand children.

 

 

She wears my ring, Forever

Published August 5, 2013 by Kappaloca

A few months ago I went on a road trip with a very very special friend.

She expressed the need for just taking the road and going somewhere she had never been. I suggested a few places down the Coastline and she  asked me to join her. She had recently lost her husband and I was still enjoying my new found “freedom”. (The ability to go away for a few days and not come home to a drunk, aggressive man)

We  set off on a Journey to no where. Just the two of us in a Country where anything is possible. The land of Milk and Honey where the sea flows into the rivers and the sea sand is snow white. We stopped wherever we wanted to. We ate what we wanted, when we wanted without a care in the world.  The best thing we did was buying a piping hot loaf of bread and crispy baked Chips at a Portuguese Fisheries shop and stuff it into the hollowed out bread with farm butter that melted into it. we laughed and listened to shitty music. Let our hair down and just behaved like idiots. We camped at the most awkward places and got up at 4am in the morning to have Coffee and wait for the sun to come up.  Got drunk at a Beach side Resort all on our own. (well I did, she does not drink) Fed the seagulls and showered in the nude. We had the whole camp site to ourselves.

The last part of our journey we were constantly being sent sms messages by a “friend” who she only knew from Social Media. He invited us to come and stay at his place right on the seaside. He made it clear that he would let us have the house for the weekend and would not interfere with us. We took a chance and went to meet this guy. From the moment he met us, he only had eyes for her. They stayed up all night and talked. Just talked about anything and everything. Lots of laughter and lots of jokes.

What was the most fantastic times of our life soon had to end as we had homes and lives to return to.

In less than a week he convinced her to return and spend more time with him. She fell head over heels in love with a man she met briefly and only chatted to occasionally on Social Media.

And so Begins the real story: 

After a mere 3 months they got engaged. I was the first person to be notified and was thrilled for them, but had also asked her if things were not moving along way too fast. He drank and was very attached to his parents who lived just up the road. He was a Momma’s Boy. He had to see them every single day of his life. Before work or after work, but he had to see them. He’s Mom always sent messages and little parcels home. She got phone calls from his mother telling her to remember the way he liked things. On occasion they would not be home and on their return she would find the dishes done or the furniture that she had moved, back in their old settings. Empty Booze Bottles would disappear by themselves. (She removed it) He would start a verbal war about stupid things like his remote control not showing in a certain direction on the side table or the toilet paper that was turning down in the wrong direction.

Are these not setting off any Lightning Bolts and red Flags???

She could not start her car and drive to the shop as he would within minutes phone her from his work place and ask where she was going as he was phoned by someone who told him they saw her car.

The first time she left was over a trivial stupid incident. She just got in her car and drove back to her own Sanctuary. From the moment he knew she had left, the phone calls and sms messages and promises started. He tried to rope me in asking me to convince her to go back to him and that he would change. After 4 days she went back.

The drinking got worse. The fighting got worse. He accused her of anything and everything. She was a whore. She was Fat. She stank. She did not know how to cook, She was a tattle tail who carried stories to his mother, she was lazy, she could not cook like his mother, she did not know how to speak, she was not worth fucking. She slept with every man she had listed on her phone.

She had to clean up her social media pages and thin out her contacts. He had security Cameras around the house so he could always see when anybody approached the house. He works shifts and when he is on night duty he drinks until a certain time of the day, she then draws his bath and has to either sit with him whilst he is in the bath or get in the bath with him. He takes a few hours sleep and she has to stay in bed with him.  When he get up and gets ready for work she packs him a meal and a few treats to see him through the night, but at 1 am. in the morning when they have their break he comes home to check on her and take a shit as he refuses to use the toilets at work. She has to be awake and alert until he leaves.  The first thing he does when he walks into the house in the mornings is pour himself a glass of liquor, as by the time he has started shaking like  leaf.

One day I received a call from her to say they are on their way as they are coming to get married here in her Home town.

This is not even 6 months into the relationship!!!

Watch this Space a s I bring you more of this extremely sad story. ……….As it gets worse.

Thank you for reading.

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