All posts tagged Abuse

He’s Not a Monster

Published November 18, 2013 by Kappaloca

I fail to comprehend why any person in their right mind can justify the actions of this Atrocity.

Am I delusional?

Is she herself deluded?

I do want to agree with her on one point though, He is not a Monster. He is a Sick, demented, twisted man. Whether it took a month a year or ten years before he did it the first time. The point is he did and if it was not for the fact that her children had witnessed this barbaric incident she might be dead today.

Some of the comments left under the article said: He did not mean to harm you, he meant to KILL you. They are right.

I sincerely hope you get the help you yourself need dear Lady.



Never say Never, It can happen to Me too.

Published October 22, 2013 by Kappaloca

I have never suffered from depression, ADHD, Bi-Polar Syndrome or any other illness but I never ever want another day like today. So much pain and suffering of others. 

a Friend and her daughter that have been abused mentally and Physically, my own daughter who suffers abuse by the hands and mouth and mental incompetence of her husband, who is an addict, and the trauma he is causing my grand-children, another friend suffering in silence and now a best friend who is pissed with me, because I had not included her in my Birthday plans. i did not make the plans, others did. I feel so bad. Now she wont even answer my messages.Another person that I don’t know from a bar of soap asking for my help in finding out who the girl is that her husband is having an affair with. 

I suppose it is easy to say it but I never want to go there (depression), I will not allow myself to fall into that pit. But as the saying goes: Never say never.

It could so easily overwhelm me.

The way I feel tonight is so Sombre and Desolate, but my tears won’t come. I want to weep. Weep for them who are struggling to make it through the night. I plead understanding from those who are angry with me.

I feel like I have fallen into a world where I can join The Croods. Deep, dark, and only a Cave away from going insane. 

How can I help them? What do I do? What do I say? Where do I start or is it just not my problem.

If I do say or do anything I might just make it worse. If I don’t do anything they will think I don’t care. 

For now I choose to be a Crood. I am going to crawl into my Cave and roll a rock in front of it. I need to sit in the dark and listen to nothing but the silence, but then I am afraid I will get engulfed with emotions I don’t want to feel. Images in my mind I don’t want to see.

Even if there is a Rock in front of the cave I need to roll it away and let the Sunshine in. I don’t need the darkness I need the Light. I wish them Light, Healing and Forgiveness. 




Snippets of a 30 year battle to Sobriety

Published October 10, 2013 by Kappaloca

The following notes are from all the books and pieces of paper and messages I wrote down in books, diaries etc and had hidden all over my house. Nothing is in order. The dates are random and as I find them in books.for the sake of many I will refer to the person who drove so many nails into my coffin simply as “G”

31 Dec 2007

It’s Monday. The last day of the year. We are having a braai with the neighbours and by the looks of things we will enjoy this evening as G had just got over his 3 day drinking binge and ignored us all. Even retired to his chamber early and left us to enjoy the evening all by ourselves. We sat around the fire and had idle chit chat and braaied our meat at our own leisure. The neighbours husband also excused himself and me and Glynis sat waiting for the strike of midnight. At 12 I came inside and kissed my babies to wish them a Happy New year. I went to the room to wish G but all i got was a grunt. i decided to walk Glynis home and as we opened the front door a car came round the corner. Eben, marietjie and Elsabe got out the car and it was obvious that they had been partying all night. They were loud and laughed and spoke 30 decibells away from starting a Boeing. Eben lay on the horn of his car and the music balring from the speakers was mindblowing. Eben went into the house to wish G a Happy New year whilst Marietjie and Elsabe walked with Glynis and myself to see Glynis off. Eben had obviously seen that G was in no mood to accomodate them and invited me to go to Gert’s house for a drink and more festivities. G had no problem with me going and after an hour I walked back home by myself. No argument and no fuss.

I had my last cigarette at 12:50pm!!!!!!

Our first New year in a few years that went by without incident.

1 Jan 2008
We had been invited across the road for lunch to Henk and Erica’s and they day went without incident. we enjoyed a fabulous meal and just as we were due to leave our daughter arrived back from her holiday. She had spent a week in Gouritsmond with friends. My baby had a beautifull tan and even sported a few extra kilograms and freckles. We came home early and all decided to take a nap. Got up a few times to answer the phone but in general we had a most enjoyable day.
10 Aug 2009
Have endured 10 days of absolute silence!!!!!!

Friday 26 March 2010
G wanted to braai. I knew it would end up in disaster, so i made sure the food was ready by 4pm, but he arrived home only after 6:30pm. Pissed as a lord. Just knew in my gut it would be this way. Made sure kids are out of the way. Let the games begin. by games the mind fuck games. Him telling me how selfish and fucktup I am and how i dont care, how y food is shit and the kids are ill mannered because i dont tech them any manner and respect.
Yep another day in Paradise. OMW I just wish he would wake up and smell the coffee or at least look in the mirror and see the assehole looking back at him.
He got home drunk and still managed to finish off another 12 savanna’s and 3 Quarts of beer. The circus clown stopped his act at 3:45am. I am so drained.

Sunday 27 March 2010
We had some peace and quiet until round 10am and the game was back on. The never ending Insults are now just being shoved around and the whole neighbourhood are in on my hoaring around. They all know about me and my skanky behaviour. “They” phone him at work and tell him what goes on at home. Yeah really?????? by 7pm he’s gone down like a bad bag of potatoes. Out for the count.

Monday 29 March 2010
He is on Leave for the entire week. He never told me!! Now what?
Tinkering around the house and keeps finding fault with everything and every body.
we are going to Gariep dam for the weekend and he starts looking for the things that must go with. Washes the bakkie and scratches around under hood making sure all is in order.
Through out this time he sits around the house, does it with a Savanna in hand. He at least goes to bed early in evenings and leaves me and the kids alone.

Thursday 1 April 2010
it’s 6am and we are on our way. Having an awesome time and he stops as often as possible for the kids to stretch their legs and get some air as they are all 3 cooped up in the back with all our clothes for the long weekend ahead.
Friday through Sunday we enjoy a most memorable weekend. Lots of fun, laughter and visiting all the little places in and around the Gariep dam.

Friday 9April 2010
WTF Happened??? he has not touched a drink the whole week. Is this a new leaf?
Saturday through to Wednesday
Absolutely stunned. Not a single drop to this day.

Thursday 15 April 2010
Arrives home from work and i can smell the booze a mile away. He is in a shit mood.
Walks across road into bottle Store and come back with a sixpack Savanna’s and 4 Quarts of beer?????????????
I am so pissed off but cannot and dare not show it. WTF happened?
He goes to bed at 1:50am It took some controlled anger to calm him down and ignore him long enough for him to dissapear to his room and not come back out.

Friday 16 April 2010
I am in no mood to go anywhere with him and as he leaves for a Club Meeting. I prepare myself mentally for a bust up when he gets home. I had by now learnt never to go to sleep with pajamas on as i never knew when i would need to be fully clothed and ready to move or run. He finally roars in at 1:55am revving the crap out of the bakkie and because i knew it would just fuel him on if i even took one look at him i pretended to sleep. He came up to me and put his boot on my chest with such force that i thought he would break my ribs. I jumped to my feet and instantly started screaming at him asking him wtf was wrong with him. He went ballistic and found the torch and told me he would show me who’s the boss in this house. He took the torch and went outside. He started pushing stuff around and when he could not find what he was looking for came back in and asked me where the axe was. I went ice -cold and knew that I was heading for a whole level of different shit here. When I asked him why he wanted the axe he took a swing at me with the torch, nearly smacking me in the side of my face. This is no ordinary plastic torch this is a Industrial metal long handle torch and could have done some serious damage. I had pulled myself away just in time. He kept screaming and yelling at me and kept telling me to find the fucking axe NOW!!! as he was going to hack me up. I told him to shut up before he woke the neighbours and he took another swing at me. As I was on top of the stairs (2 Stairs) he did not really have any reach so I lifted up my foot and booted him backwards. He fell against his bike and then saw the axe. I knew this could end up very very bad and also knew instantly that I would have only a few seconds to react. I went for the axe same time as him and got to it before he did. In that instant the thought of swinging it at him went through my mind and it was only shear will power and common sense that stopped me. I turned to run into the house and he came after me. the front door was unlocked as I knew if he came home and tried the door and it was locked, he would have used that as an excuse too. I grabbed the handle of the door, turned it and yanked it open. Flew out the door and into the street. This amused him to no end and he simply started laughing and slammed the door shut. I heard him lock it and knew that tonight was the night that I would spend outside on the pavement. The children in their wisdom knew not to come out of their rooms at times like this and thankfully also did so this time. I had nowhere to go and could not wake anyone up at this ungodly hour of the morning, so I hid the axe next to the neighbours wall and walked down the road and round the block. I thought he would have gone to sleep, but could see him through the kitchen window. He was standing in the Kitchen eating food out of the pot with his hands. I eventually saw the bedroom light come on and knew once he went in there he would stay there, but still waited another 20 minutes to half hour. I climbed over the front garden wall and slowly and very quietly walked round the side of the house. I had collected the axe on my way back and had it in my hand. He had left the sliding door open, but that just gave me a false sense of hope that he had gone to sleep. It could also mean that it’s a trap. I crept up to the door and stood there silently, listening for what seemed like eternity. When I finally gathered the courage I took a few steps into the house and heard him take a long yawn. I froze, but also knew where the sound was coming from. I tiptoed to just outside the door and could see him through the creak of the door. a weight fell away from me. I could breathe. i knew he would not get up from that bed for a few hours. The time was 3:45am

Saturday 17 April 2010
As he had been booked for overtime he eventually got up and went and had a piss, washed his face and brushed his teeth. He came out the room and without looking at any of us simply walked out the door and drove off. By 2:30pm he was back and just sat and sulked the entire day. Just me myself, my thoughts and Silence.
and so the rest of the weekend passed with myself and the children walking on egg shells.

Monday 19 April 2010
He goes to work and I spend the day cleaning and doing the normal household chores. I keep asking myself why I am allowing this, but I could not answer myself. He came home from work, walked across the road and came back with 18 Savanna’s. He is still giving everyone in the house the silent treatment whilst he stands in the kitchen leaning against the Counter. The Savanna’s are not being drunk, he simply pours it down his throat. He downs the first 5 in a mere 40 min.
As the evening goes on he simply gets louder and his thoughts spill out over his lips. we can hear the mumbles and as he wipes and wipes the counter, he calls us Dumb Fucks, incompetent Cunts and eventually screams at all of us that we need to get the fuck out of his house as he will burn it down to the ground with all of us inside. I get a call on my cellphone from my sister to say that my dad has been taken up in Hospital and things do not look good. My dad had been diagnosed with Pneumonia and had gone to a Acupuncturist who had accidentally stuck the needle way to deep and it had punctured his Heart. He was on a respirator and they feared for his life. I had no one to tell. I could not cry. I dared not, as that would have sent him over the edge.

Tuesday 20 April 2010

I plucked up the courage and told him about my Dad’s Condition and that I wanted to go and see him. He snorted and asked me what it had to do with him? Not his problem and not his Family. I cringed but did not back off. I then TOLD him I wanted to go. 

He Refused and it resulted in another mass attack. I made up my mind. My Dad was more important than this ass-hole.

This is where I drew the Line. __________________________ I Took my Kids and Left.

I wrote him a letter with the Subject Line: Daddy Dearest. (See my previous Blog)


Daddy Dearest:

Published October 9, 2013 by Kappaloca

a letter I wrote a while back but need to get off my chest as i know there are many others that feel the same and are being treated the same:


Hi “Daddy”,
I should have addressed this letter to someone I once called my love my sweetheart my darling, but now I cannot but send it to my “daddy” because that is what you have become.
I have to answer to you like a child and get reprimanded like a child because as per you after 30 years I have still not learnt any lessons.
You play mind games with me and think it’s justified?
I need your “permission” to go see my parents???????? Since when?
I have over a 30+ year period tried very hard to stand by you, I have tried to be understanding and believed that we could work things out, but things are getting hard for us all to bear.
You go on 3 day drinking binges and believe that it is your right to call me a fucking dumb bitch, a worthless piece of shit, a whore, unfit mother and worse. You erupt into fits of anger and wake me up in the middle of the night to “FETCH” you an axe so you can behead me??!?!?!?!?! Are you serious???

The neighbours have had to witness you chasing me down the street with a pitchfork, You stand over me with knives and make me an offer of choosing by which blade length I would like to die? You grab the broom away from me because I am too fucking stupid to know how to push a broom properly. You clean and clean and “clean” the kitchen sink and counter tops. If it’s such a big deal to have a clean kitchen why don’t you scrub the floors as well? What about the bathroom where you have to wash yourself? Why don’t you clean YOUR bedroom? I am on a daily basis told to shut the Fuck up. To think before I speak. To think before I do anything. To think before I go anywhere.
My food is never good enough.( Normally ends up for the dogs ) My cleaning not good enough, so what is the use of doing it anyway.
Does your bosses know you sit in your office and drink and hide your empty bottles? You drive home drunk and drink further and then terrorise me and the children until 2 or 3 in the morning before you pass out.
Every time in the past that I have held a job you have in some way and some time made it impossible for me to continue, you have put me to shame by arriving at my place of work drunk. My children are too ashamed to bring friends home, because they get embarrassed by your Behaviour.
You attack me verbally about my capabilities but I have not ever seen you even once try to do something to alleviate the problems. I am too afraid to discuss anything with you, because I know that sooner or later you will throw it back at me with a vengeance.
Your outbursts are getting worse and worse. You refuse to see that you have a problem  ????????????????????????????????
I wonder if your bosses are aware that you have a problem? I wonder if they will offer you help in this regard. I have tried to help you by having you forcibly take medication, have implants, being understanding and looking for and making excuses for you. Will they?
You constantly remind me that you want to drink yourself to death because it’s your right. What about our rights? Me and your children?
You have sold off all policies and have now started taking loans on your pension. You threaten to take the children off your medical aid and have the electricity cut. Who are you trying to spite here ”Daddy”?
You have taken away my self worth, but you will NEVER break my spirit.
You tell me to get the Fuck out of your life but now that I want to leave you tell me it’s not going happen????? What’s up with that?
Why don’t you let me leave so that I CAN go?
I have isolated myself from everything and everybody but my children. Since I am home and not working any more ( 11month’s ) I have become to afraid to leave the house to go to the shop and I have to ask your permission to go see a Dr., a friend, have the car to go to town. Oh yeah i forgot, i need your permission to use the car too.
Does the fear you see in me and your children give you a high? Does it make you feel superior? Do you like that face you see in the mirror in the mornings? Do you for even one moment think that this is all normal?
Regarding my tattoos: It’s my choice, it’s my body, it’s my freedom. I DO NOT need your permission – DADDY!
I am warning you today that if you come home drunk or try to stop me and the children from leaving this house I will send this e-mail to your Bosses, the Police, my family, your friends and as many Lawyers as I can get who will listen to me. I have already passed it on to someone I CAN trust.

Ps. Do not threaten me ever ever ever again.

Beating the drum

Published September 12, 2013 by Kappaloca

I sometimes feel like I don’t need to tell a soul, but then who am I giving the pleasure of my silence? Who is the winner?

This is not really about winning or losing anyway. It’s a case of Survival and how I survived. How I rose up and stood tall against you, My Abuser.

With each passing day it gets easier to forgive but the Forget is just so impossible. There are faded parts, like over-worn Jeans or those precision bleached ones the kids like to wear.

I find that there are days that I don’t think about it at all and then other days a small little thing will trigger a Memory and just run wild in my mind all day long.

If you were ever in an Abusive relationship I think I speak for each one of us when I say that you play this next scenario out over and over in your head:

It’s Friday! 

You know he is going to either come home and pick a fight so he can jump in his car and leave or he just does not come home at all.

Every minute that passes puts you more and more on edge. You start pacing, making sure everything is neat, clean, in it’s place.

You keep yourself in your finest clothing and your Make-up immaculate, although you would much rather be in your pj’s and in bed.

You hide things that can be used against you. (Knifes, Hand axe (My abusers favourite) Books, Ashtrays, Broom, Empty Bottles.)

You start thinking of ways to calm him or greet him so as to not set him off or over the edge.

You play out your words, careful of what you can and what you cannot say.

You keep the television sound way down in order to hear the car approach.  ( I found that we tend to develop extra sensory hearing when in such relationships, you know the sound of your own car a mile off)

You keep the lights to a minimum.

You repetitively warm the food just a little at a time, or keep the kettle boiled in the hope he will walk in and ask for Coffee or Tea.

You keep a door unlocked to give you an instant escape route and always make sure you have the keys in your pocket.

a Small bag with an extra set of clothing and some money is kept hidden away outside the house in case you need to flee or spend the night outside. (This happened often)

Finally after hours and in a state of shear terror you hear the car coming down the road and can judge the frame of mind of the driver by the roar of the engine. It’s like a pre warning. You jump, your heart starts racing and your mouth is instantly dry. You run to put the kettle on and get some lights on in the house. You switch the Tv over to a sports channel or something you hope will grab his attention. You feign a smile when he enters the door and one of two things will happen. You will either get a sheepish grin back or you will get greeted by a face of a doom.

The sheepish grin is acceptable and the rest of the evening will probably end well. (Rare as diamonds on the pavement)

Its that Gloomy Thunder Face that is the scarier of the two.

What are you looking at?

What the F@#* do you want?

Who are you all dolled up for?

Where were you? (They make them self believe YOU went out and had a ball)

Who was here with you?

What have you done al day long? The house looks like shit!

You do your best to stay non complacent and not show hostility. You try and keep a straight face. They seem to see things and read things on your face only they can.

You offer the food or drinks option. Carefully ……….

If the food offer is accepted and you start warming it up, you still clamp your lips and sort of hold your breath as whatever you say next or not say next can cause an eruption.

Most times when he gets in in a foul mood the food will never be acceptable. It’s always crap. The dogs wont even want to eat it,  yet they still pick up that first fork full and eat. Mostly there will not even be  need for a fork as the hands will do the job.  You keep yourself busy by wiping counters that need no cleaning or making yourself coffee. Then halfway through the plate of food it’s either side swiped off the table or thrown straight at you. No reason. No provocation,

All you can do is brace yourself for the impact and cover your face.  Shouting, screaming out or asking why will infuriate him and start a full on war.

You know you have to clean it up and pick up the pieces. you have to get out that broom you so carefully hid away out of fear that it might be used on you. He gets up and pushes the chair over. He screams at you and tells you it’s your fault for making him mad. You irritate him. He wishes you would just fuck off or die. you make his life miserable.

He laughs at your attempts to clean up the floor and tells you that  the position you are in on your knees is the position he will keep you in.  You waste his money. You’re a whore. You’re good for nothing. Your an unfit mother.

Oh ok so know he has realised that he had used the word “mother” somewhere in his tantrum and asks me where his kids are.

He wants to know whether I even remembered to feed them the same shit he has just had to eat. He tells me I am poisoning his kids. He wants to know if I even thought of bathing them. Tells me I am a lousy mother, unfit!

A slap to the side of my face stings like a bitch and sends me reeling backwards. I gasp for breath and put my hand up to my face to touch the burning red hot ember spreading over my face. I dare not show emotion or even think of letting a tear show. THAT would certainly send him straight over the edge. I will regret the next blow. I slowly walk away.

As the words starts escalating from his mouth I keep my silence and as calmly as possible try and ward off the anger building up inside me. He storms off and leaves me standing there wishing I could just end it all. Just one swipe. Just one punch, just the guts to go. The guts to phone the police, but I know it’s all futile and in any case if he does get locked up and his company finds out he will be fired immediately and we will lose all benefits.

And in any case tomorrow is Saturday and the day will bring its own new challenges. the children have no idea of what happened after they went to sleep last night. They just know that Daddy is home now and it’s Saturday morning and he is spending it with them.

He just walks past me as if last night never happened. The shattered pieces are wrapped in old newspaper and thrown out.

I suppose I should wrap up yesterday and put it out with the trash too.

PS: My wish for each  person who has had to endure ABUSE of any kind: Stand up, Speak out! Let your voice be heard. If by telling it like it is can help only one other person, we can help heal each other one person at a time.

By beating them at their own game, we can start BEATING THE DRUM.

Picking up the pieces

Published August 29, 2013 by Kappaloca

I need to Pick up the pieces. The pieces of my Life that has fallen through the cracks.

I find myself looking at you and to this day I wonder what had made you change. What had happened for you to turn yourself around. I have asked you but you change the subject immediately. Will you tell me some day?

I suppose everybody deserves a second chance.

My heart leans heavy on the memories and although it has taken years to get to the line of Forgiveness it’s the Forget part that just won’t heal.

I wrote it all down, I vowed to never throw it away. I need to get it out and I need to type it out as I am done screaming it out in my mind.

Maybe by doing so I can rid myself of some of the anger.  The anger I will always carry inside. The anger of all the years I had lost. Lost because of you. Because I still blame myself for allowing you to abuse me. Verbal, Mental and Physical Abuse by your hands, your tongue and your actions.

For Years I tolerated and waited for you to fall and feel the pain, see my pain, feel my anger, but I stayed and endured some more. There were times that I wished you dead. Times were I had hoped and waited for a call to say you had died in a crash, but it never came. (Thankfully) In all this time I had so many times begged you to get help. I begged you to come back from the Abyss of Alcohol and the demons it evoked in you. I knew the real you were in there somewhere. You were the person I loved and married. The man I intended on spending the rest of my life with, have a Family with, but you chose to believe that you were perfect. You believed that you were normal and that I was mental.

When our son died I lost you completely. You spiralled out of Control and refused any form of help. You pushed me aside and left me to deal with my sorrow and heartache all by myself. I had to be strong for me and our daughter. I could not afford to lose my grip on life and become depressed. I needed you. Needed you to touch me, to hold me and comfort me, but all I got was silence and denial. You denied that your child had died. You kept him alive in your mind. Tortured me by talking to him. Tortured me by playing all his favourite music as loud as possible and getting drunk and then throwing tantrums in the dead of night. I was not allowed to sleep during these fits of fury (not that I could anyway)

I left so many times, I started divorce proceedings against you so many times and you kept making me weak by believing it will change. You would change. You would make it better.

After years of torment you have finally figured it out.  It took me leaving you AGAIN and showing you that I would not compromise and come back unless YOU made peace with yourself and healed YOU. It took a full year and a half of being separated from your children and me.

For the last 3 years we are finally able to live our lives as we should have. It’s been a pleasure to be “Home” .  You now cannot do enough for me. Don’t want to go anywhere without me.  I am so grateful for all the  little things you do and I know that you do more than your body can take, but ………

How do I rid myself from all my wounds and demons and heal myself? How do I pick up the pieces?

%d bloggers like this: