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Letter for my Children

Published January 13, 2017 by Kappaloca

 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing. I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed?

I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

Everyday I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.

I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

PS: Not my words but I resonate with what the writer said.

 

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Dad

Published June 25, 2015 by Kappaloca

a Piece of me has been taken Today.

May the Angels escort you to eternal rest.
You are my Hercules, my Hero.
I am thankful for every precious second I got to spend with you.
Although my heart is aching and my tears are running free
You deserve to be pain free.
Till we meet again one day I will carry you within me.

REST IN PEACE Daddy. 13 /10/43 to 30/03/15

Closure after the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to deal with. I am scared. Scared of losing the smells and the memories, Scared of losing the sounds associated with that person. I am scared of becoming overbearing. I am scared of pushing people away when I talk about my love for you. Every time I hear certain songs it reminds me of you. I wait for the phone to ring and hearing your Voice, but it will never come again. I wondered what your last words were. Tonight I found that answer. a massive concrete wall fell away from my shoulders. Knowing you loved me unconditionally releases every fibre of stress and pain. I am setting you free. Thankfully we have evolved and I can read and re read the e-mails we sent each other. they were never just ordinary e-mails, they we poetic. Each one carefully thought out, typed with difficulty but always with passion. I don’t care how pathetic my words sound to others. My pain is immense. I have not felt such emotions engulf me since the loss of my son. what keeps me going is my family, my children and friends who embrace me and hold me tight and send me messages of encouragement when I need them most.

As the hourglass spills it’s contents

Published May 13, 2014 by Kappaloca

The Hourglass has only so many crumbs of Sand.

Life is measured by those crumbs.

And so Today has been another day of Heartache.

Saying Goodbye is never a good feeling and seeing those who have loved in so much pain leaves no one unscathed. Too many deaths. Too many broken souls. So many tears.

Keep the Memories and make them last. 
Condolences is said but the pain can not be erased. Everyone deals with their anguish in their own way. 
I wish you all Peace and Strength in the days to come and the weeks to follow.
When the hurting is done the pain will fade but the emotions roll on.

 
Life is not fair but our hour is marked.
For each of us death deals a card.
Be brave and be strong. 
For those who have died we must remain strong.

Stuck in my Mind

Published May 6, 2014 by Kappaloca

Sometimes when somebody tells you a story and you acknowledge it but don’t really Listen it often comes back later to bite you in the ass.

Such a story was told to me and it has not just bit me in the ass it is haunting me now.

How do I tell my dear friend who has been through so much in Life, who has taken care of her two kids on her own that her Gorgeously Beautiful daughter is a “User” 

In the aftermath of the death of “Freddy” and “Peaches” I have read their stories online and it breaks my heart to see the families who are left behind and the raw emotions visible in their eyes. 

I feel like screaming it out to Chelsea. How dare you? Why? After all your mom has had to endure and give up so you can have a better life, How could you? Do you even know where this is going to end up? 

You are only 17 Chelsea. Your whole entire Life ahead of you still.

Is this just a game to you? Do you even care? Is it just for fun and laughter?

Will you say you only just tried it once? Will you say your friends are all doing it and you did not want to be left out?

ONCE is all it takes for some. 

Did you think no one will ever see you or know about it?

You have unknowingly ended up on my daughter’s neighbours doorstep. My daughter has seen you there and she knows that the neighbour is not just a User, but also a Pusher of Lethal drugs like Heroin and Mandrax. The Parties, the smell and waft of Pot and the endless stream of young visitors makes it obvious. 

Anyone reading this will most probably immediately ask why she does not phone the Police and rightly so. Would you?

Do you know how influential these bastards are? They are very very connected and taking out one dealer and reporting them will just result in another sprouting up the next day. If they even suspect you of being the snitch, funny stuff starts happening around your house.  

My biggest concern here is the welfare of this 17 year old girl whom I have known since she was a baby. 

Snorting Coke and smoking weed is not a Game you play. 

How do I break this to your mother? 

Should I even consider doing so?

Is it worth the rejection from her? Because that is the first thing that will happen here.

I guess the fact that I know and am not saying anything makes it even worse. But if she should lose you it will eat me alive. 

I wish this on No parent, let alone a Friend.

For now it will stay stuck in my mind. My demons to take to bed with me.

Stay Safe tonight Chelsea. 

Trip down West Coast of South Africa

Published May 2, 2014 by Kappaloca

 

 

 

  Took  Trip down to the West Coast of Southern Africa. Here is a view in Photographs of just some of the Beauty this Country holds.

Small Fishing Towns and Raw beauty surrounds you in these towns where the People are friendly and rustic. Nothing is ever a rush. They do it all in their own time, but spending even a few minutes in their company leaves you with a smile of satisfaction. The Freshest Fish and delicacies from the seas is served all round.

ImageImageVeldriftImageBokkomsImageFishing Boat at LaaiplekImageLaaiplek HarbourImageDried and Pickled fish bitesImagePaternosterImageDinghy’s on the beachImageSunset in PaternosterImageGolden Mile – white sands

ImageStrollersImageBoulders ImageSt Helena Bay HarbourImageSaldanhaImageClub MykonosImageS A’s own Greek MykonosImageAgterbaai Private BeachImageGanzekraal SunsetImageMelkbosch SunsetImageMelkbosch SurfersImageMisty Mountains

 

Saying Goodbye

Published April 17, 2014 by Kappaloca

Yet another friend has passed, yet another piece of my heart has been taken. 

I have lost 3 friends in a matter of months and have seen another friend battle the loss of his daughter a mere 2 months ago on her Graduation day. Death has been busy in the lives of a few friends in different parts of my life, but this one has touched the root core of my being.

I have lost a child and overcame my anger, frustration, fear and questions. I realised that life went on and I had to stay strong for the rest of my children, my husband and myself. 

We had been friends since I was 13 years old. We met at a local Shop were we played games on the Pinball Machines. Shona was a few years older than me and finished school 3 years before me. She started working and would share a lot of her income with me. The minute a new fashion craze hit the streets she would not just buy it for herself but I would get the same. Our articles of Choice was Shoes.The Whoppers, The Jellybabies, The latest fashion Tackies, we just had to have them.

We grew up in the 60’s. The era of Rock and Roll. The Stovepipe Jeans and the Cordurouy Jackets, The music was good, the times were good and we were teenagers! She bought me my first seven single – Barracuda and she bought me my first LP – Rocky Horror Picture Show. Had no idea at the time what all the hype was about and when it got banned I was glad we each had a copy before it got taken off the shelves. We went to the Cinema and the Drive – ins. we listened to The Top 20 Countdowns on a transistor Radio untill late night and sang the songs out loud. Oumi and Oupi as her Mom and Dad was fondly known, had to give more than 3 warnings about the noise and the laughter at sleep overs. 

We both had our Babies at a young age, but it came to a point where we went our separate ways. I moved to Johannesburg and she stayed on in Cape Town. I was hard for both of us and I soon asked her to weigh her options and move up and come stay with us. She did. 

We carried on with our Nursing careers at Various hospitals and after a year or so she moved into her own place. I hardly ever went anywhere without her. It was great to know she was there for me and I could be there for her at any time. She was the one who organised my Engagement party and helped me pack up when it was time for me and my Fiancée at the Time to move on. We made a silly Blood Vow to Never be angry and forget about each other. It was a sad time for all of us, but life had to go on. She stayed behind in Johannesburg for a while before moving back to Cape Town. Times got tough and she moved out to The Garden Route and lived with me again for a while until she got a place of her own. My children loved her and I loved hers. My children was hers and hers was mine. We spent virtually every weekend together.

Shona was the one who was with me the Day my son died in a tragic Drowning accident. She had urged me twice to rather fetch him, but i did not want him to get in the way as I was doing a Business call. She was the one who held it together for a long time for me. She got me through the days and the nights after the accident. For some time after that my mind is blank. I had to come back home alone. The calls got less for a while as she did not know how to handle ME.  

We never broke contact with each other even if it meant Letters and Phone Calls from a “Tickeybox” 

Every Visit to Cape Town always included a visit with her even it meant only a few minutes. 

As her health deteriorated I used to get updates via friends and family and still went to see her as often as was possible. On my last visit to Cape Town I had a bit of extra time and we spoke about times gone by and laughed at some of the stupid things we did. The days of Rock and Roll had passed and the age of Pille and Brille had arrived. Our Children is all grown up and Beautiful. We had become Seniors. It’s a fact we could not deny. We survived even if she had been dealt a few blows herself. Living without both your legs and bound to a wheelchair is not anybody’s choice of Lifestyle. Not what we envisioned our old age to be.

I am just glad that I could be part of the best memories as well as the saddest memories of our Friendship together.

 

Our Lives together was not one of friendship it was a Family bond 

Fly Free my sister, Fly Free with the Angels.

 

Image

Death and Tears and being Gay

Published December 7, 2013 by Kappaloca

It has taken me a while to get myself to admit it.

I miss you. Terribly. I am not one for drama and long grieving after someone has left this world for the freedom of eternity, but your death has had me in tears for days.

You were just a friend. an extra ordinary  friend. We met on my Birthday and in those few hours during my Birthday party I sort of fell in love with you. I knew instantly that you would make a massive impact in my life and you did. We spent hours talking as if we had known each other for years. I could confide in you with my deepest darkest secrets.

You told me your story. Not all of it nice, but I understood the rage within.

You grew up in a very solid family but always felt different. You yourself did not understand until you met Michelle. You knew then that your feelings were real and it had been all along. You had to say it and admit it. You were GAY. You could NEVER tell your mother (hereafter referred to as SHE) as she would not approve or understand. The way she found out was to almost be the beginning of the end for you.

She caught you kissing a girl intimately. She was furious and wanted to kill you and even went to get her gun. She chased you out of her house. So you just left. But leaving was not as easy as anyone would believe. You took charge of your life and dealt with it in your own way. You rebelled. You did anything and everything you knew would grind the stone of her heart even further. You started drinking and smoking and went a step further and tried the hard core stuff. That led to dependency, which led to having to sustain your habits which in turn made you deal.  The ultimate pit of darkness. She did find out. She tried to intervene. You would have none of it. This was your world and your life. You left behind the one person you really loved but that sacrifice was a small one to pay. You never really loved another like you did Michelle.

And then the crash……… You almost lost your life that day. The doctors had no hope for you. Broken back, broken pelvis, broken facial bones, Broken arms. You spent months in Hospital and in Therapy, but you survived. You survived because God had a plan for you. Given you a new lease on life. a second chance. You were drug Free and sober,but you were still unhappy and unfulfilled. Something was still missing and She did not make life any easier as she was still steadfast in her belief that it was just a phase. So you took a chance and showed her the phase. You phased her out by leaving, again. You took on a job in the Bird park in my home town. The scars would never fade and the pain would never stop, but you lived with it in a way. One day at a time.

You started drinking again soon after the accident to cope. Cope with the pain. No excuse but you believed it and I had no right to argue with you. We became best friends. Never anything else. You kissed me once on a dare and I did not mind. You were committed to your work and never failed any assignments. There were times when you wanted to give up, but that never happened. You got a dog. You loved that runt. The naughtiest 4 legged creature ever but he was yours and he loved you unconditionally. He was your Tattoo. (His name) You did have a tattoo on your arm. a tattoo of a wolf with the words: The souls of the dead lives on in the eyes of wolves. You did that to piss her off even more as you knew how much she hated that too.

You came to me in tears one day and it took me back with surprise as you did not easily show emotion. You showed me the text message. a message from HER. She had bought you a plane ticket home for a visit. That was the last thing you had wanted to do. a Family reunion. You came and slept over at my house the day before you had to leave and I had never seen you get so drunk. We had to leave pretty early the next morning as we had an hours drive to the airport. You said you could not care and drank another few beers on the way to the airport. You cried all the way there. I tried my best to comfort you and kept telling you it will be all right. It was just a few days. Knock it back and take it in your stride. and then I played you a song that would become almost an anthem for you. Duffy’s – Distant Dreamer. http://youtu.be/aRCLkic9_lE

You came back and had an almost renewed spirit. You did not want to go back there again in a while. You got stuck back into work and life went on. We had fun in the Park and you spent a lot of time with me in the Restaurant. I always made sure your Lunch was ready as I knew you don’t like cooking. At the end of the month on Pay days we always went for lunch in town and just talked about the things we would still like to do. And then when it came time to renew my lease of the Restaurant I was given a devastating blow. The owner did not want to renew my lease as he had other plans with the premises. I was furious and mad and sad all at the same time, but as time went on I also knew that he had done me no injustice. We did not see each other much after that, but kept in contact and even went to Lunch on the odd occasion. Phone calls on Birthdays and meeting up in Town for a quick chat.

a few weeks back I bumped into you in Town as you were getting medication at the pharmacy and told you that it had been way overdue for a visit. We promised each other to make a plan soon. You told me that there was another visit with Her in the pipeline and then it would be Season. Season meant that you would be working solid for a few weeks before getting a break, but you would then come for a visit. I was looking forward to that.

and then the phone Call …………. You were GONE!!!!!!!!!! Just like that! Complications due to Pneumonia. How was this possible?

I did not get to say Good Bye. I did not even know you were so sick. R. I. P.

I heard it spoken, I took it in, but there was just silence. It took a while for me to Comprehend. and then the Tears came. And when it came I could not stop them. I never knew that I would be so overwhelmed and devastated by the death of a Friend. a very special and dear friend. You were that friend that I could finish sentences for and carry on a conversation where we left off a month ago.

I will miss you, I will mourn you and Forever keep you in my Heart. I am unable to even control my tears now as I write this.

As for HER, I never met her or even spoke to her and cannot get myself to even call and find out what the funeral arrangements are or what will happen to Tattoo.

May you rest in peace my beautiful friend. May your soul roam free.

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