a letter I wrote a while back but need to get off my chest as i know there are many others that feel the same and are being treated the same:
I should have addressed this letter to someone I once called my love my sweetheart my darling, but now I cannot but send it to my “daddy” because that is what you have become.
I have to answer to you like a child and get reprimanded like a child because as per you after 30 years I have still not learnt any lessons.
You play mind games with me and think it’s justified?
I need your “permission” to go see my parents???????? Since when?
I have over a 30+ year period tried very hard to stand by you, I have tried to be understanding and believed that we could work things out, but things are getting hard for us all to bear.
You go on 3 day drinking binges and believe that it is your right to call me a fucking dumb bitch, a worthless piece of shit, a whore, unfit mother and worse. You erupt into fits of anger and wake me up in the middle of the night to “FETCH” you an axe so you can behead me??!?!?!?!?! Are you serious???
The neighbours have had to witness you chasing me down the street with a pitchfork, You stand over me with knives and make me an offer of choosing by which blade length I would like to die? You grab the broom away from me because I am too fucking stupid to know how to push a broom properly. You clean and clean and “clean” the kitchen sink and counter tops. If it’s such a big deal to have a clean kitchen why don’t you scrub the floors as well? What about the bathroom where you have to wash yourself? Why don’t you clean YOUR bedroom? I am on a daily basis told to shut the Fuck up. To think before I speak. To think before I do anything. To think before I go anywhere.
My food is never good enough.( Normally ends up for the dogs ) My cleaning not good enough, so what is the use of doing it anyway.
Does your bosses know you sit in your office and drink and hide your empty bottles? You drive home drunk and drink further and then terrorise me and the children until 2 or 3 in the morning before you pass out.
Every time in the past that I have held a job you have in some way and some time made it impossible for me to continue, you have put me to shame by arriving at my place of work drunk. My children are too ashamed to bring friends home, because they get embarrassed by your Behaviour.
You attack me verbally about my capabilities but I have not ever seen you even once try to do something to alleviate the problems. I am too afraid to discuss anything with you, because I know that sooner or later you will throw it back at me with a vengeance.
Your outbursts are getting worse and worse. You refuse to see that you have a problem ????????????????????????????????
I wonder if your bosses are aware that you have a problem? I wonder if they will offer you help in this regard. I have tried to help you by having you forcibly take medication, have implants, being understanding and looking for and making excuses for you. Will they?
You constantly remind me that you want to drink yourself to death because it’s your right. What about our rights? Me and your children?
You have sold off all policies and have now started taking loans on your pension. You threaten to take the children off your medical aid and have the electricity cut. Who are you trying to spite here ”Daddy”?
You have taken away my self worth, but you will NEVER break my spirit.
You tell me to get the Fuck out of your life but now that I want to leave you tell me it’s not going happen????? What’s up with that?
Why don’t you let me leave so that I CAN go?
I have isolated myself from everything and everybody but my children. Since I am home and not working any more ( 11month’s ) I have become to afraid to leave the house to go to the shop and I have to ask your permission to go see a Dr., a friend, have the car to go to town. Oh yeah i forgot, i need your permission to use the car too.
Does the fear you see in me and your children give you a high? Does it make you feel superior? Do you like that face you see in the mirror in the mornings? Do you for even one moment think that this is all normal?
Regarding my tattoos: It’s my choice, it’s my body, it’s my freedom. I DO NOT need your permission – DADDY!
I am warning you today that if you come home drunk or try to stop me and the children from leaving this house I will send this e-mail to your Bosses, the Police, my family, your friends and as many Lawyers as I can get who will listen to me. I have already passed it on to someone I CAN trust.
Ps. Do not threaten me ever ever ever again.