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All posts for the month October, 2013

The Excuses Of Not Talking About Abuse……Because PART TWO

Published October 27, 2013 by Kappaloca

WELL CALL ME CRAZY

Excuses messin cover

To Continue the conversation started in post yesterday……THE EXCUSES OF NOT TALKING ABOUT ABUSE…..BECAUSE let’s keep on talking.

We don’t talk about abuse as much as we should…..Because

  • Because nobody else is talking about it and I’ll feel like the only one
  • Because I don’t want anyone else to know my dirty secret
  • Because I didn’t think about talking about it until now
  • Because I am afraid
  • Because I don’t want to get low
  • Because it’s overwhelming….. there’s too much and if I start talking will I ever stop talking?
  • Because I want to still be me and not a victim
  • Because I don’t want people feeling sorry for me
  • Because I don’t want my batterer or abuser to win by letting it affect my life now
  • Because I’ve moved on and don’t want to go back
  • Because I don’t want counseling…..only weak people need counseling
  • Because I…

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The Excuses Of Not Talking About Abuse…..Because PART ONE

Published October 27, 2013 by Kappaloca

WELL CALL ME CRAZY

If we aren’t alone…..if staggering statistics clearly show that abuse is a worldwide problem that does not discriminate……affecting people of all races, gender, financial status, religion, sexual orientation, background, etc……then why don’t we talk about it more. Well…..Because

  • Because it’s difficult
  • Because of the repercussions
  • Because of what other people will think of us
  • Because I don’t want to hurt anybody
  • Because no-one will believe me
  • Because there is nothing they can do about it
  • Because I’m an adult now…..so i have moved on
  • Because I’m trying to forget it happened
  • Because it’s not a big deal…..I got over it
  • Because it happened a long time ago
  • Because the family would be torn apart
  • Because they will think I am crazy
  • Because I don’t want to be a burden
  • Because I will called a liar and labelled mentally ill
  • Because I feel embarrassed
  • Because I feel ashamed
  • Because it would…

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Never say Never, It can happen to Me too.

Published October 22, 2013 by Kappaloca

I have never suffered from depression, ADHD, Bi-Polar Syndrome or any other illness but I never ever want another day like today. So much pain and suffering of others. 

a Friend and her daughter that have been abused mentally and Physically, my own daughter who suffers abuse by the hands and mouth and mental incompetence of her husband, who is an addict, and the trauma he is causing my grand-children, another friend suffering in silence and now a best friend who is pissed with me, because I had not included her in my Birthday plans. i did not make the plans, others did. I feel so bad. Now she wont even answer my messages.Another person that I don’t know from a bar of soap asking for my help in finding out who the girl is that her husband is having an affair with. 

I suppose it is easy to say it but I never want to go there (depression), I will not allow myself to fall into that pit. But as the saying goes: Never say never.

It could so easily overwhelm me.

The way I feel tonight is so Sombre and Desolate, but my tears won’t come. I want to weep. Weep for them who are struggling to make it through the night. I plead understanding from those who are angry with me.

I feel like I have fallen into a world where I can join The Croods. Deep, dark, and only a Cave away from going insane. 

How can I help them? What do I do? What do I say? Where do I start or is it just not my problem.

If I do say or do anything I might just make it worse. If I don’t do anything they will think I don’t care. 

For now I choose to be a Crood. I am going to crawl into my Cave and roll a rock in front of it. I need to sit in the dark and listen to nothing but the silence, but then I am afraid I will get engulfed with emotions I don’t want to feel. Images in my mind I don’t want to see.

Even if there is a Rock in front of the cave I need to roll it away and let the Sunshine in. I don’t need the darkness I need the Light. I wish them Light, Healing and Forgiveness. 

 

 

 

Funerals can be funny too

Published October 21, 2013 by Kappaloca

Last weekend I had to dash down to my Birth Town to attend the Funeral of a Family Member.

As with all funerals it was a sombre affair and quite thought provoking too.

Firstly my father who has been poorly and sick for almost two years was there as well. My father has emphysema and collapsed lungs from a car accident early this year. He got there late and my sister had to pull her car up very close to the Vestry door so he did not have too far to walk. I helped him out and sat him down on the first bench right in the back, but there was a reason for doing so. He needs to be on oxygen full time and has to cart his mobile machine with him wherever he goes. My dad being a man who always thinks forward an further than the average person adapted his machine , extended the pipes so he can almost walk through his entire apartment without having to move the actual machine. As the bench could only take 3 people my sisters sat down on either side of my Dad and I walked down the Isle and sat down closer to the Close Family. This all happened on Tip toe as the service had already started 10 minutes ago. They were late because they got stuck in traffic on the highway. I had just sat down and asserted my attention on the sermon when my dad tapped me on the shoulder and loudly said: “Move up!”  He had unrolled the oxygen tube to it full length and walked down the isle so he could sit next to me. He took my hand and still loudly said: “That’s better” He had difficulty breathing and had to take deep breaths to calm himself but sit next to me he did. We only get to see each other once a year or so and in the last two years this was only the fourth time we could be near each other. It meant the world to him to have me there as well. This was the second funeral for our Family in 9 months. My uncle passed in January and now his wife so soon after.

Funerals have a way of bringing Family together. Sometimes I wonder if it is really a show of respect or just a chance of seeing far away family that gets us to go. 

As the service was about to come to a close the pastor gave a few minutes for Family members or friends to say a few words and without hesitation my father leapt up and started walking forward. Unfortunately the oxygen pipe was to short to go all the way to the front with him, so he just yanked it off and said: “Bugger this !!” My sisters tried to object but I got up and went to support him. He took a deep breath and started telling the story of the Tupperware Bowl.

Many many years back we went to visit my Uncle and Aunt for supper. They had made curry and my uncle was well known for the Hot hot curries he made. After supper was done my father asked if he could have an extra bit to take home, so she obliged by dishing it into a Tupperware bowl and made him promise to bring the bowl back. From there on every time she saw him she asked him for it but there was always an excuse. It never did get returned, although he still has it. One of my fathers excuses was that it’s not clean yet. See the curry was so hot and Spicy that it had stained the Tupperware Bowl and getting it clean was never an easy task. For years they teased each other about the bowl. He never gave it back and now he will never have the opportunity to do so.

And so my father concluded: In Life we all get stained, It does not matter how much we scrub and clean, some get hurt and some get lucky, some get sick but get to live long. Others live well but die quick.  It’s how you tackle those stains and how you look after each other that matters. Never seize a moment to tell each other that they matter. Don’t put off what you want to do today, as tomorrow might never come.

We could see that my Dad was having difficulty in keeping it together so my Sister and myself took him by the arms and had to hold him up and get him over to his Oxygen Pipe quickly. He sat down and breathed and breathed heavily, but was satisfied that he had had his say.

The service was concluded and the family thanked for being there to pay their respect. We moved into the next door hall where coffee and tea was served and my Niece whom I had not seen in almost 15 years walked over to my Dad and loudly and forgetting where she was said: “Uncle Albert, You are my favourite uncle in the whole wide world but if you do that again I will kick your ass!!” (She meant the taking off of his oxygen) The hall erupted in laughter. Even the pastor chuckled.

RIP – Yvonne

 

Snippets of a 30 year battle to Sobriety

Published October 10, 2013 by Kappaloca

The following notes are from all the books and pieces of paper and messages I wrote down in books, diaries etc and had hidden all over my house. Nothing is in order. The dates are random and as I find them in books.for the sake of many I will refer to the person who drove so many nails into my coffin simply as “G”

31 Dec 2007

It’s Monday. The last day of the year. We are having a braai with the neighbours and by the looks of things we will enjoy this evening as G had just got over his 3 day drinking binge and ignored us all. Even retired to his chamber early and left us to enjoy the evening all by ourselves. We sat around the fire and had idle chit chat and braaied our meat at our own leisure. The neighbours husband also excused himself and me and Glynis sat waiting for the strike of midnight. At 12 I came inside and kissed my babies to wish them a Happy New year. I went to the room to wish G but all i got was a grunt. i decided to walk Glynis home and as we opened the front door a car came round the corner. Eben, marietjie and Elsabe got out the car and it was obvious that they had been partying all night. They were loud and laughed and spoke 30 decibells away from starting a Boeing. Eben lay on the horn of his car and the music balring from the speakers was mindblowing. Eben went into the house to wish G a Happy New year whilst Marietjie and Elsabe walked with Glynis and myself to see Glynis off. Eben had obviously seen that G was in no mood to accomodate them and invited me to go to Gert’s house for a drink and more festivities. G had no problem with me going and after an hour I walked back home by myself. No argument and no fuss.

I had my last cigarette at 12:50pm!!!!!!

Our first New year in a few years that went by without incident.

1 Jan 2008
We had been invited across the road for lunch to Henk and Erica’s and they day went without incident. we enjoyed a fabulous meal and just as we were due to leave our daughter arrived back from her holiday. She had spent a week in Gouritsmond with friends. My baby had a beautifull tan and even sported a few extra kilograms and freckles. We came home early and all decided to take a nap. Got up a few times to answer the phone but in general we had a most enjoyable day.
10 Aug 2009
Have endured 10 days of absolute silence!!!!!!

Friday 26 March 2010
G wanted to braai. I knew it would end up in disaster, so i made sure the food was ready by 4pm, but he arrived home only after 6:30pm. Pissed as a lord. Just knew in my gut it would be this way. Made sure kids are out of the way. Let the games begin. by games the mind fuck games. Him telling me how selfish and fucktup I am and how i dont care, how y food is shit and the kids are ill mannered because i dont tech them any manner and respect.
Yep another day in Paradise. OMW I just wish he would wake up and smell the coffee or at least look in the mirror and see the assehole looking back at him.
He got home drunk and still managed to finish off another 12 savanna’s and 3 Quarts of beer. The circus clown stopped his act at 3:45am. I am so drained.

Sunday 27 March 2010
We had some peace and quiet until round 10am and the game was back on. The never ending Insults are now just being shoved around and the whole neighbourhood are in on my hoaring around. They all know about me and my skanky behaviour. “They” phone him at work and tell him what goes on at home. Yeah really?????? by 7pm he’s gone down like a bad bag of potatoes. Out for the count.

Monday 29 March 2010
He is on Leave for the entire week. He never told me!! Now what?
Tinkering around the house and keeps finding fault with everything and every body.
we are going to Gariep dam for the weekend and he starts looking for the things that must go with. Washes the bakkie and scratches around under hood making sure all is in order.
Through out this time he sits around the house, does it with a Savanna in hand. He at least goes to bed early in evenings and leaves me and the kids alone.

Thursday 1 April 2010
it’s 6am and we are on our way. Having an awesome time and he stops as often as possible for the kids to stretch their legs and get some air as they are all 3 cooped up in the back with all our clothes for the long weekend ahead.
Friday through Sunday we enjoy a most memorable weekend. Lots of fun, laughter and visiting all the little places in and around the Gariep dam.

Friday 9April 2010
WTF Happened??? he has not touched a drink the whole week. Is this a new leaf?
Saturday through to Wednesday
Absolutely stunned. Not a single drop to this day.

Thursday 15 April 2010
Arrives home from work and i can smell the booze a mile away. He is in a shit mood.
Walks across road into bottle Store and come back with a sixpack Savanna’s and 4 Quarts of beer?????????????
I am so pissed off but cannot and dare not show it. WTF happened?
He goes to bed at 1:50am It took some controlled anger to calm him down and ignore him long enough for him to dissapear to his room and not come back out.

Friday 16 April 2010
I am in no mood to go anywhere with him and as he leaves for a Club Meeting. I prepare myself mentally for a bust up when he gets home. I had by now learnt never to go to sleep with pajamas on as i never knew when i would need to be fully clothed and ready to move or run. He finally roars in at 1:55am revving the crap out of the bakkie and because i knew it would just fuel him on if i even took one look at him i pretended to sleep. He came up to me and put his boot on my chest with such force that i thought he would break my ribs. I jumped to my feet and instantly started screaming at him asking him wtf was wrong with him. He went ballistic and found the torch and told me he would show me who’s the boss in this house. He took the torch and went outside. He started pushing stuff around and when he could not find what he was looking for came back in and asked me where the axe was. I went ice -cold and knew that I was heading for a whole level of different shit here. When I asked him why he wanted the axe he took a swing at me with the torch, nearly smacking me in the side of my face. This is no ordinary plastic torch this is a Industrial metal long handle torch and could have done some serious damage. I had pulled myself away just in time. He kept screaming and yelling at me and kept telling me to find the fucking axe NOW!!! as he was going to hack me up. I told him to shut up before he woke the neighbours and he took another swing at me. As I was on top of the stairs (2 Stairs) he did not really have any reach so I lifted up my foot and booted him backwards. He fell against his bike and then saw the axe. I knew this could end up very very bad and also knew instantly that I would have only a few seconds to react. I went for the axe same time as him and got to it before he did. In that instant the thought of swinging it at him went through my mind and it was only shear will power and common sense that stopped me. I turned to run into the house and he came after me. the front door was unlocked as I knew if he came home and tried the door and it was locked, he would have used that as an excuse too. I grabbed the handle of the door, turned it and yanked it open. Flew out the door and into the street. This amused him to no end and he simply started laughing and slammed the door shut. I heard him lock it and knew that tonight was the night that I would spend outside on the pavement. The children in their wisdom knew not to come out of their rooms at times like this and thankfully also did so this time. I had nowhere to go and could not wake anyone up at this ungodly hour of the morning, so I hid the axe next to the neighbours wall and walked down the road and round the block. I thought he would have gone to sleep, but could see him through the kitchen window. He was standing in the Kitchen eating food out of the pot with his hands. I eventually saw the bedroom light come on and knew once he went in there he would stay there, but still waited another 20 minutes to half hour. I climbed over the front garden wall and slowly and very quietly walked round the side of the house. I had collected the axe on my way back and had it in my hand. He had left the sliding door open, but that just gave me a false sense of hope that he had gone to sleep. It could also mean that it’s a trap. I crept up to the door and stood there silently, listening for what seemed like eternity. When I finally gathered the courage I took a few steps into the house and heard him take a long yawn. I froze, but also knew where the sound was coming from. I tiptoed to just outside the door and could see him through the creak of the door. a weight fell away from me. I could breathe. i knew he would not get up from that bed for a few hours. The time was 3:45am

Saturday 17 April 2010
As he had been booked for overtime he eventually got up and went and had a piss, washed his face and brushed his teeth. He came out the room and without looking at any of us simply walked out the door and drove off. By 2:30pm he was back and just sat and sulked the entire day. Just me myself, my thoughts and Silence.
and so the rest of the weekend passed with myself and the children walking on egg shells.

Monday 19 April 2010
He goes to work and I spend the day cleaning and doing the normal household chores. I keep asking myself why I am allowing this, but I could not answer myself. He came home from work, walked across the road and came back with 18 Savanna’s. He is still giving everyone in the house the silent treatment whilst he stands in the kitchen leaning against the Counter. The Savanna’s are not being drunk, he simply pours it down his throat. He downs the first 5 in a mere 40 min.
As the evening goes on he simply gets louder and his thoughts spill out over his lips. we can hear the mumbles and as he wipes and wipes the counter, he calls us Dumb Fucks, incompetent Cunts and eventually screams at all of us that we need to get the fuck out of his house as he will burn it down to the ground with all of us inside. I get a call on my cellphone from my sister to say that my dad has been taken up in Hospital and things do not look good. My dad had been diagnosed with Pneumonia and had gone to a Acupuncturist who had accidentally stuck the needle way to deep and it had punctured his Heart. He was on a respirator and they feared for his life. I had no one to tell. I could not cry. I dared not, as that would have sent him over the edge.

Tuesday 20 April 2010

I plucked up the courage and told him about my Dad’s Condition and that I wanted to go and see him. He snorted and asked me what it had to do with him? Not his problem and not his Family. I cringed but did not back off. I then TOLD him I wanted to go. 

He Refused and it resulted in another mass attack. I made up my mind. My Dad was more important than this ass-hole.

This is where I drew the Line. __________________________ I Took my Kids and Left.

I wrote him a letter with the Subject Line: Daddy Dearest. (See my previous Blog)

 

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