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All posts for the month September, 2013

Traits of an abusive partner

Published September 28, 2013 by Kappaloca

I could not have ever said it any better. Every detail is exact.

Victim Services

717410_admission_of_guiltOne of the things that seems common when it comes to relationships is that once you’ve been in an abusive one (boyfriend / girlfriend / parents / caregiver), sometimes it gets difficult to tell a good one from a bad one. No one leaves an unhealthy relationship saying “oh, that was fun. Let me try that again” but it can be very, very easy for some people to fall back into these types of relationships without understanding how on earth it happened and while there are a lot of theories out there to try to help explain the many “why’s”, that is often best left to counselors and therapists and support staff and the like.

Since this can be such a big deal for a lot of people, we thought it might be useful if we talk about some of the personality traits that seem to be commonly found in…

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Damage Control

Published September 24, 2013 by Kappaloca

I have not written in a while. I have been emotionally and physically drained after an attack of my person by someone I least expected it from.

My son in law allowed my daughter to come visit with me and my family for a week. a week of absolute bliss, but let me put you in the picture here.

I was 15 when I fell pregnant with my child and she was taken from me directly after birth. She grew up always knowing she had been adopted and special, and then one day her teacher had a teaching on special children. Special children are children who had either survived trauma or was adopted. My daughter told her that she was special as she was adopted too. She busted her bubble and told her that if she was adopted her mommy was not her real mommy. The kids laughed at her and she went home crying. She was told the whole truth and always knew I was out there somewhere. and so she found me just before she turned twenty. (think I told this part before) My life had become complete the day she contacted me. 

She grew up and got married and although we knew each other we never had much close contact other than social media and Telephone calls. Her husband is the most charming man and I was proud to have him as a son in law. Jovial and always laughing. Extremely Talented and He takes great care of my daughter and the kids. He is a fantastic dancer and loves to show off his talents. He worked hard to give them everything of the best. Being in the mining Industry is hard work and meant lots of time away from home. He took on several long contracts overseas and also signed up to go to Russia for five years. I think that somewhere here things had started going wrong. Very, very wrong. He came home for a two week holiday but became moody and aggressive and started sneaking out the house and odd hours. When he came back home the excuses were unbelievable. The aggression became more intense and soon he lost his job. He was sent back and relieved of his contract duties in Russia.  

He applied for another Job outside the Borders and asked me to take care of the kids so my daughter could come visit him for a week. I flew up and the time spent with my two grandchildren was phenomenal. I don’t get to see them much so it was a very special time for us. a  week after I came home my daughter  phoned me and we spoke on the phone for a long time. She told me he would be home for a break in two weeks, but also told me she had concerns about his mood swings. She could not put a finger on it or tell me what it was. When he did come home he phoned me and we had a lovely chat.He kept thanking me for looking after the kids and that we should do so again soon. I was thrilled.

Well that did not happen as just the very next weekend my daughter drove the 3 hours to the airport to send him off, but as she arrived back home the phone rang and she was asked to immediately return to the airport to collect him. When she arrived she had to wait for the plane to land and was totally oblivious as to what had happened. She thought he had been laid off again, but what transpired next I do not wish on my worst enemy. He was carried off the plane on a stretcher. His entire face was cover in blood and he was unable to speak. He was a mess and his eyes had also swollen shut. He was whisked off to hospital and she had to wait almost three days before he could write down what had happened to him. His jaw had to be reconstructed and wired in place. He wrote down on paper to her that he had tried to stop a fight between workers about half an hour after stepping off the plane and was then severely beaten by bystanders who had mistaken him as the instigator. 

Some time later I got a phone call from my daughter telling me that she had taken the kids and moved out of the house.

He was a drug Addict!!!! He has used “Cat”  Cocaine. Cat is also a slang name, given to the stimulant drug called methcathinone. It can be snorted or inhaled and is highly addictive.

This explained the moods swings and the aggressive behaviour. Explained the stuff disappearing from the house. The late nights. The phone calls in the dead of night. It took a full year and a half of him promising to seek help and getting drug free. and then she went back. Back to him and the endless fights over the time she had spent away from him. Accusations of her not being truthful and jealousy took over or so she thought. She was flattered by the fact that it made him jealous to think of her with another man although she had been 100% faithful to him. They went to counselling together. Did the whole shebang and moved back in with each other so the kids could have a stable house again. 

Then he finally allowed her to come for a visit. All was wonderful. She kept in contact with him daily and even hourly. He overslept on two mornings and the kids stayed out of school. To him it was funny. To her it was concern. On the weekend before she left we went to my other daughter for dinner and her phone kept going off so in a joking manner I took it off her hands and sent him a voicenote saying thank you for letting us have her for a week, but what is the use if he keeps her so busy on the phone that we don’t get a chance to speak to her. I sent the message. We giggled about it and I still mentioned how quiet the phone had gone. I knew he would see the funny side of it. The evening carried on and nothing was said about it again.

Three days later we said our very sad good-byes as we saw her off at the Bus Station. We made plans for a next visit or to either send my grand daughter down here to visit or me to go up to them. 

The very next evening I received a call from my daughter to ask me to please explain to him why I had sent that dreadful message and I then heard him scream ans cuss in the background calling her a Whore and telling her she is just as F#@t-up as her mother. He cussed me to the depth of hell and back and told her to put the phone down and never ever call me again.

I felt like someone had picked me up and physically thrown me against a brick wall. Slammed the breath out of my lungs. I had been Abused by an Alcoholic for most of my adult life and it took years and years to forgive and carry on with my Life and now I had to not just listen to my daughter being Abused but the Abuse is directed back at me as well. Every word echoing the past and the words I heard and endured a thousand times.

I have not heard from my daughter in over three weeks now and it is ripping me apart. My entire world has caved in. I am not allowed to have contact with her. She does not answer my calls or messages. 

My Beautiful Son in Law has been sucked in by the Drug Monster

There is no Control in the lives of people who give themselves to the pressures of the Drug Lords who live only to enrich them self. The attack on him was done by those Drug Lords whom he had owed money to. They had waited for him just outside the airport the day he went back to work. The had to do Damage Control to make it known that their Goods does not come Free and so Never will he. They have set their claws in deep. The consequences of the lives they destroy of no interest to them.  

I am totally heartbroken and devastated. I have no energy to get up and I lie awake for hours and blame myself for what I had done. I have become and insomniac. Why had I sent that stupid message? ????

I was so grateful for the time we got to spend together and now it feels like I had lost her again. The pain won’t go away.

Maybe I should do my own bit of Damage Control. I can think of so many things to do to him, but fear holds me back. Fear of what he could do to my daughter or worse, my grand children.

For now all I can do is Cry. Cry for my beautiful daughter and my precious grand children.

 

 

Beating the drum

Published September 12, 2013 by Kappaloca

I sometimes feel like I don’t need to tell a soul, but then who am I giving the pleasure of my silence? Who is the winner?

This is not really about winning or losing anyway. It’s a case of Survival and how I survived. How I rose up and stood tall against you, My Abuser.

With each passing day it gets easier to forgive but the Forget is just so impossible. There are faded parts, like over-worn Jeans or those precision bleached ones the kids like to wear.

I find that there are days that I don’t think about it at all and then other days a small little thing will trigger a Memory and just run wild in my mind all day long.

If you were ever in an Abusive relationship I think I speak for each one of us when I say that you play this next scenario out over and over in your head:

It’s Friday! 

You know he is going to either come home and pick a fight so he can jump in his car and leave or he just does not come home at all.

Every minute that passes puts you more and more on edge. You start pacing, making sure everything is neat, clean, in it’s place.

You keep yourself in your finest clothing and your Make-up immaculate, although you would much rather be in your pj’s and in bed.

You hide things that can be used against you. (Knifes, Hand axe (My abusers favourite) Books, Ashtrays, Broom, Empty Bottles.)

You start thinking of ways to calm him or greet him so as to not set him off or over the edge.

You play out your words, careful of what you can and what you cannot say.

You keep the television sound way down in order to hear the car approach.  ( I found that we tend to develop extra sensory hearing when in such relationships, you know the sound of your own car a mile off)

You keep the lights to a minimum.

You repetitively warm the food just a little at a time, or keep the kettle boiled in the hope he will walk in and ask for Coffee or Tea.

You keep a door unlocked to give you an instant escape route and always make sure you have the keys in your pocket.

a Small bag with an extra set of clothing and some money is kept hidden away outside the house in case you need to flee or spend the night outside. (This happened often)

Finally after hours and in a state of shear terror you hear the car coming down the road and can judge the frame of mind of the driver by the roar of the engine. It’s like a pre warning. You jump, your heart starts racing and your mouth is instantly dry. You run to put the kettle on and get some lights on in the house. You switch the Tv over to a sports channel or something you hope will grab his attention. You feign a smile when he enters the door and one of two things will happen. You will either get a sheepish grin back or you will get greeted by a face of a doom.

The sheepish grin is acceptable and the rest of the evening will probably end well. (Rare as diamonds on the pavement)

Its that Gloomy Thunder Face that is the scarier of the two.

What are you looking at?

What the F@#* do you want?

Who are you all dolled up for?

Where were you? (They make them self believe YOU went out and had a ball)

Who was here with you?

What have you done al day long? The house looks like shit!

You do your best to stay non complacent and not show hostility. You try and keep a straight face. They seem to see things and read things on your face only they can.

You offer the food or drinks option. Carefully ……….

If the food offer is accepted and you start warming it up, you still clamp your lips and sort of hold your breath as whatever you say next or not say next can cause an eruption.

Most times when he gets in in a foul mood the food will never be acceptable. It’s always crap. The dogs wont even want to eat it,  yet they still pick up that first fork full and eat. Mostly there will not even be  need for a fork as the hands will do the job.  You keep yourself busy by wiping counters that need no cleaning or making yourself coffee. Then halfway through the plate of food it’s either side swiped off the table or thrown straight at you. No reason. No provocation,

All you can do is brace yourself for the impact and cover your face.  Shouting, screaming out or asking why will infuriate him and start a full on war.

You know you have to clean it up and pick up the pieces. you have to get out that broom you so carefully hid away out of fear that it might be used on you. He gets up and pushes the chair over. He screams at you and tells you it’s your fault for making him mad. You irritate him. He wishes you would just fuck off or die. you make his life miserable.

He laughs at your attempts to clean up the floor and tells you that  the position you are in on your knees is the position he will keep you in.  You waste his money. You’re a whore. You’re good for nothing. Your an unfit mother.

Oh ok so know he has realised that he had used the word “mother” somewhere in his tantrum and asks me where his kids are.

He wants to know whether I even remembered to feed them the same shit he has just had to eat. He tells me I am poisoning his kids. He wants to know if I even thought of bathing them. Tells me I am a lousy mother, unfit!

A slap to the side of my face stings like a bitch and sends me reeling backwards. I gasp for breath and put my hand up to my face to touch the burning red hot ember spreading over my face. I dare not show emotion or even think of letting a tear show. THAT would certainly send him straight over the edge. I will regret the next blow. I slowly walk away.

As the words starts escalating from his mouth I keep my silence and as calmly as possible try and ward off the anger building up inside me. He storms off and leaves me standing there wishing I could just end it all. Just one swipe. Just one punch, just the guts to go. The guts to phone the police, but I know it’s all futile and in any case if he does get locked up and his company finds out he will be fired immediately and we will lose all benefits.

And in any case tomorrow is Saturday and the day will bring its own new challenges. the children have no idea of what happened after they went to sleep last night. They just know that Daddy is home now and it’s Saturday morning and he is spending it with them.

He just walks past me as if last night never happened. The shattered pieces are wrapped in old newspaper and thrown out.

I suppose I should wrap up yesterday and put it out with the trash too.

PS: My wish for each  person who has had to endure ABUSE of any kind: Stand up, Speak out! Let your voice be heard. If by telling it like it is can help only one other person, we can help heal each other one person at a time.

By beating them at their own game, we can start BEATING THE DRUM.

I’m Dead, Don’t Ping me!

Published September 2, 2013 by Kappaloca

It’s been more than two years since you passed, and I still from time to time see people sending you messages or commenting on your Wall on Facebook. 

It often makes me wonder what would happen and how big Facebook would really be if they took away all the Dead people and double identities and doubled -up accounts. People forget their passwords and just open up a new one and invite their friends again. People die and just never thought about what it would mean to those left behind.

But what really happens after you die? No one has your Password so the account cannot be closed. Facebook and it’s creators don’t have an expiry date for unused accounts. Worst is no one can let them know that you are dead and they need to take it off.

I don’t want this to happen to me so I keep a record of all Social Media Pages and accounts I created, including Word Press and their passwords in a safe place like my Bible and have written it down inside a Thank You card addressed to my family and children, so that they would Find it and close it at my request. I don’t need to remind anyone of where I went and what I did in my life here on earth for much longer then and even sending me a message telling me I am missed makes no Sense anyway.

 

There are so many groups and pages created in the name of people deceased. In Memory of …….. I have no objection to that and maybe it’s a good way for people to grieve, But then after a year or two, nothing happens on those pages anyway. Of Course they are never forgotten, but they are Gone. They cannot and will not come back. They will never read the messages or see them, cannot answer them. 

We all go through a process of Grief and that’s good, but after a while …. Please keep me in mind but not in the Public eye. Take me off and pack me away. Download what you need and delete the rest. I am not a Google statistic any more.

Most of the written Blogs I have done is for my children to find and read after I have left this earth and I have made sure they will find it. I am giving them something to look forward to finding and reading, so they can know how I felt and what I was thinking whilst they were either working, going to school, growing up or just carrying on with life. Little reminders of what they did and how they made me feel. Memories for them to know that I cared and Loved them. My gift to them. I know there are many others that do the same, but have you thought of how they will find what you left them?

I know it’s not easy trusting anyone with Passwords but surely you can think of something creative? For me it works to just leave it in my Bible. Even thieves seem to have a hard time looking inside a bible when they ransack your house. I wonder if they are scared of what God might do? He may just show them the Way don’t you think? Well I hope so anyway.

Oh and another thing When I am gone so is my Mobile Phone….I’m Dead so dont Ping Me!

Thanks for Loving me through all the years. Now It’s time to make your Memories and enjoy your Life. 

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