I need to Pick up the pieces. The pieces of my Life that has fallen through the cracks.
I find myself looking at you and to this day I wonder what had made you change. What had happened for you to turn yourself around. I have asked you but you change the subject immediately. Will you tell me some day?
I suppose everybody deserves a second chance.
My heart leans heavy on the memories and although it has taken years to get to the line of Forgiveness it’s the Forget part that just won’t heal.
I wrote it all down, I vowed to never throw it away. I need to get it out and I need to type it out as I am done screaming it out in my mind.
Maybe by doing so I can rid myself of some of the anger. The anger I will always carry inside. The anger of all the years I had lost. Lost because of you. Because I still blame myself for allowing you to abuse me. Verbal, Mental and Physical Abuse by your hands, your tongue and your actions.
For Years I tolerated and waited for you to fall and feel the pain, see my pain, feel my anger, but I stayed and endured some more. There were times that I wished you dead. Times were I had hoped and waited for a call to say you had died in a crash, but it never came. (Thankfully) In all this time I had so many times begged you to get help. I begged you to come back from the Abyss of Alcohol and the demons it evoked in you. I knew the real you were in there somewhere. You were the person I loved and married. The man I intended on spending the rest of my life with, have a Family with, but you chose to believe that you were perfect. You believed that you were normal and that I was mental.
When our son died I lost you completely. You spiralled out of Control and refused any form of help. You pushed me aside and left me to deal with my sorrow and heartache all by myself. I had to be strong for me and our daughter. I could not afford to lose my grip on life and become depressed. I needed you. Needed you to touch me, to hold me and comfort me, but all I got was silence and denial. You denied that your child had died. You kept him alive in your mind. Tortured me by talking to him. Tortured me by playing all his favourite music as loud as possible and getting drunk and then throwing tantrums in the dead of night. I was not allowed to sleep during these fits of fury (not that I could anyway)
I left so many times, I started divorce proceedings against you so many times and you kept making me weak by believing it will change. You would change. You would make it better.
After years of torment you have finally figured it out. It took me leaving you AGAIN and showing you that I would not compromise and come back unless YOU made peace with yourself and healed YOU. It took a full year and a half of being separated from your children and me.
For the last 3 years we are finally able to live our lives as we should have. It’s been a pleasure to be “Home” . You now cannot do enough for me. Don’t want to go anywhere without me. I am so grateful for all the little things you do and I know that you do more than your body can take, but ………
How do I rid myself from all my wounds and demons and heal myself? How do I pick up the pieces?