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All posts for the month August, 2013

Picking up the pieces

Published August 29, 2013 by Kappaloca

I need to Pick up the pieces. The pieces of my Life that has fallen through the cracks.

I find myself looking at you and to this day I wonder what had made you change. What had happened for you to turn yourself around. I have asked you but you change the subject immediately. Will you tell me some day?

I suppose everybody deserves a second chance.

My heart leans heavy on the memories and although it has taken years to get to the line of Forgiveness it’s the Forget part that just won’t heal.

I wrote it all down, I vowed to never throw it away. I need to get it out and I need to type it out as I am done screaming it out in my mind.

Maybe by doing so I can rid myself of some of the anger.  The anger I will always carry inside. The anger of all the years I had lost. Lost because of you. Because I still blame myself for allowing you to abuse me. Verbal, Mental and Physical Abuse by your hands, your tongue and your actions.

For Years I tolerated and waited for you to fall and feel the pain, see my pain, feel my anger, but I stayed and endured some more. There were times that I wished you dead. Times were I had hoped and waited for a call to say you had died in a crash, but it never came. (Thankfully) In all this time I had so many times begged you to get help. I begged you to come back from the Abyss of Alcohol and the demons it evoked in you. I knew the real you were in there somewhere. You were the person I loved and married. The man I intended on spending the rest of my life with, have a Family with, but you chose to believe that you were perfect. You believed that you were normal and that I was mental.

When our son died I lost you completely. You spiralled out of Control and refused any form of help. You pushed me aside and left me to deal with my sorrow and heartache all by myself. I had to be strong for me and our daughter. I could not afford to lose my grip on life and become depressed. I needed you. Needed you to touch me, to hold me and comfort me, but all I got was silence and denial. You denied that your child had died. You kept him alive in your mind. Tortured me by talking to him. Tortured me by playing all his favourite music as loud as possible and getting drunk and then throwing tantrums in the dead of night. I was not allowed to sleep during these fits of fury (not that I could anyway)

I left so many times, I started divorce proceedings against you so many times and you kept making me weak by believing it will change. You would change. You would make it better.

After years of torment you have finally figured it out.  It took me leaving you AGAIN and showing you that I would not compromise and come back unless YOU made peace with yourself and healed YOU. It took a full year and a half of being separated from your children and me.

For the last 3 years we are finally able to live our lives as we should have. It’s been a pleasure to be “Home” .  You now cannot do enough for me. Don’t want to go anywhere without me.  I am so grateful for all the  little things you do and I know that you do more than your body can take, but ………

How do I rid myself from all my wounds and demons and heal myself? How do I pick up the pieces?

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A Survivor’s Guide to Staying Safe on Facebook

Published August 27, 2013 by Kappaloca

The Donkey has Spoken

Deliberate Donkey

Just go offline is a ridiculous thing to tell a survivor of domestic violence. Isolation is a tactic of abusers, and suggesting that a victim or survivor continue that, or further that, is condoning a strategy abusers use to maintain their control over their target. It’s been my experience that going online is empowering and supportive, and an important part of the recovery and reconnection process.

But it’s dangerous. Abusers are fucking assholes. Mine found me while I was still completely anonymous, using a pseudonym not even remotely connected with my identity or location, which prompted me to change my author identity from Tending Weeds to Melanie. I am Melanie. And fuck him for making me think I needed to be anyone else.

Abusers will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and coerce in order to get what they want, and there is nothing, nothing, that will stop them from…

View original post 1,118 more words

Are they born this way?

Published August 24, 2013 by Kappaloca
For you the Abuser there will be no mercy.

For you the Abuser there will be no mercy.

This Message comes with a very Strong WARNING: It contains a Very disturbing video of a young boy attacking a baby relentlessly. This might have happened a while ago and I hope he has been dealt with in the strongest possible way.

 

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<div id=”fb-root”></div> <script>(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = “//connect.facebook.net/en_GB/all.js#xfbml=1″; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, ‘script’, ‘facebook-jssdk’));</script>
<div class=”fb-post” data-href=”https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=694081030608451″><div class=”fb-xfbml-parse-ignore”><a href=”https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=694081030608451″>Post</a&gt; by <a href=”https://www.facebook.com/viral.videos.official”>Viral Videos</a>.</div></div>

 

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Survived, Survivor, Dealing with it. Or am I?

Published August 23, 2013 by Kappaloca

Through the Years I have kept leaflets, notes, and written down in little manuscript books the things that came to mind and the things done to me by not just my Abusive Husband but the little incidents from even before I got married. Some were buried deep down in my memory bank.

My abuse is not just by the hands of one man. I am a Survivor of a few.

Do I put them in Print?

Do I leave it and let my kids find the books or the documents I have stored on my Computer after I have left this earth?

Can I have them Published?

Who would want to read about what happened to me?

Am I guilty of letting these men get away with what they did?

Can they still be prosecuted?

Is it worth the effort?

Who would Believe me?

Is the Justice System really helping the “Victims”?

So many questions and so few answers for myself. I do know most of the answers but am afraid of acting on them.

For years I kept searching myself and asking myself how much blame was in my court.

Well today I believe firmly that each and every person who had endured prolonged abuse has a little bit of blame in their Court. We are to blame for not speaking out or acting faster. Now don’t beat yourself up about it either as, as much as I am saying this just as much was I a part of this statistic. I had plenty of opportunity to leave and not come back, but I kept lying to myself by believing that the next time going back things would be fine.

It normally did go well for a few days, sometimes weeks and on occasion even a month went by that things were normal. By normal I mean there was effort on his side to behave and not find fault or explode at the flip of a switch. Then off Course the slightest thing would send hi over the edge and all actions and argument was justified from his point of view.

How does one change an entire society of angry people who take their frustrations out on children or their partners? Where does education start? Are these abusers born that way or are we raising them to be abusers?

I have vowed to my son that if he ever, ever lifts his hands to a woman he would not see the sun come up the next day. Yeah I know threatening him is not the way to get the message across, but I also provide him with the alternatives to getting angry. If more mothers raised their sons to respect women and raise their daughters not to become involved with men who are easily angered many of these evils can be stopped.

Court Orders, Divorce, Taking the Kids and many other reasons can  trigger emotion in the partners that can send them over the edge.

I have found these webpages and it is packed with information on dealing with ALL kinds of abuse.

http://www.abuseisnoexcuse.co.za/domestic-violence/abuse-statistics

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http://www.saps.gov.za/crime_prevention/women/domestic_violence.htm

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“Unfortunately research also tell us that leaving is one of the most common triggers for being killed.”  http://www.enca.com/south-africa/women-advised-empower-themselves-against-domestic-violence

“SHE SURVIVED” it all.

Published August 23, 2013 by Kappaloca

We will not give up. We are not alone. We will Survive and Stand against the atrocity of Abuse.

Barbara C Rowe Author

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I have not addressed this issue in a long time, but felt compelled to share with you food for thought.

There is a woman who doesn’t really know what functional really is, pertaining to marriage.   A woman who has not really had a home to compare anything to, so she accepts whatever life throws her way…Complacent.  Abuse becomes part of her daily life, not believing it gets any better, or that she deserves any better.

One day she is going on with her daily routine of being a housewife and her husband, who is usually drinking….Snaps.  There is no apparent reason for it, but it just happens. Police come and he spends the night in jail, only to come home apologizing for what he had done, or pretends nothing ever happened the night before. The day after, varies, depending on his mood.

Finally one day she has enough and has the…

View original post 644 more words

She wears my ring Forever … (Part 3)

Published August 21, 2013 by Kappaloca

Soon after she left for the 3rd or was it 4th time?, he started leaving  her threatening messages on her cell phone and vowed to make her life a living hell if she did not come back. When I first saw her after she arrived I was shocked. Something was wrong, very wrong. She walked funny and kept holding her arm up across her chest. I also noticed a bit of a slur in her speech.

This was NOT my friend any more. She had become hard and cold. She chopped me off mid sentence and was irritable. She drank way too much aspirin and told me that her headaches was worse than they had ever been before. When we were alone and I had the chance I asked her what had happened and she told me that she had had to get the cops out to put a stop to his behaviour as she had had a minor stroke and was lying on the kitchen floor for almost 4 hours whilst he just walked either past her or over her, He kept yelling at her to get up or he will fuck her up. She could not move and had drool coming out the side of her mouth. He would pour himself a drink and in passing would just accidentally step on her or spill his drink on her. He twice told her to just hurry the fuck up and die already. He walked to the lounge and sat down in front of the Television casually watching a movie. He called out her name and told her that she had better get up off the floor or he would kick her to death if she was still lying in his way when he came back for his next drink. She showed me the pictures on her cell phone of the 36  (Empty 750ml ) Brandy Bottles. He had consumed all of this in ONE week.  She eventually managed to drag herself  to the bathroom and as she was about to pull herself up to the toilet he came up to her and pushed her aside with his foot and told her she could wait because he needed to have a crap. She had to lie on the floor and listen and watch and smell as he finished his business. She tried asking him to get her phone so she could phone a doctor but he just laughed it off and told her to stop acting like a cunt. He told her she was a shit actress. She ended sleeping (passed out??) on the bathroom floor in her soiled clothes. When she woke ( came to??) the next morning he had left for work.

He continuously phoned her through out the day and as she could not speak properly she battled to get her words out straight. He asked her what the Fuck was wrong with her and that she had better sober up before he got home. (Remember she does not drink)

When he came home that night and saw that there really was something wrong with her and offered to take her to a doctor she felt too embarrassed to let him and said no. She had cleaned up and washed as best she could. For a few days things were quiet, but she was not allowed to go anywhere.  She was isolated and alone. All she had were her close friends that she connected with via cell phone. This was only possible when he was at work. When he was home with her she had her phone on silent and played games on her Pc. Nothing that required being on the internet.

Just before she  left yet again she had found his Social Media Page Logged in and was just about to log it out before she re thought the situation and clicked on messages. There he was having conversations with women from his past and even women whom he only knew from social media. (Just like he had met her) Women who were single, married, in relationships and ones he chatted to on group pages. He was in more than one conversation discussing her in detail and made vulgar comments about her body. He also told these women how he would like to meet up with them and what he would do to them in finest detail. Most of the replies was nothing other than invites from them as well. Discussing how lonely they were and how lousy their husbands and partners were in bed.  She copied some of them and kept them in a file on her Pc, before logging out of the site. She was so angered and infuriated by the mere audacity of these messages that she had made a comment on his wall as if it was him himself who had done so. (Big Mistake) He started getting phone calls from friends asking him what the hell he was doing and obviously denied it all as he was still at work and is not allowed usage of his cell phone whilst on duty. (Although most did anyway) His phone was not equipped for internet usage anyway.  He put two and two together and took her on Full force when he got home. And instead of just denying what she had done she confessed, which made it worse. He made copies of her posting before removing it and vowed to use it against her in a court of law if she tried leaving again. She had taken a beating and some more as he repeatedly punched her in the stomach and across her arms and chest. At one point she could not handle it any more and walked to the kitchen to get away from him, but he followed. He found her with a knife in her hands that she was going to use to slice cheese for herself for a piece of toast and he asked her if she would like to commit suicide as he could help with that. When she said yes she feels like it he grabbed her hands and dragged the blade side of the knife across her pulse. Thank Goodness it was only surface, but that was the first thing I saw the next morning when I skyped her.  She still thought it best to lie about it and tell me she had accidentally cut herself before coming out with the truth and showing me her breasts and shoulder. She was black and blue all over and could hardly move, much less breathe freely.  I begged her to get out and start packing. She did not deserve this.  But still she was to shit scared to leave.                                                    What would it take this time to make her come “Home” ?                                                                       images

As I did not have a Blackberry and was not connected other than via home phone and Facebook I was not always aware of what was happening and when. She refrained from leaving any posts on her Wall as some jerk might just squeal again and start a fit of fury or silent treatment for her. She has not been able to pinpoint who the rat in her circle of friends was that kept running to him with all the shit stories and her whereabouts. I was also not always clued up on his working hours as this changed from day to day.  I got a notice from a friend that had asked me if I had seen that she is on her way “home”.  AGAIN!! Her status update showed that she was a mere 3 Towns away.

This time she arrived with a friend and asked the security at the complex where she lived to let no one in that asked for her home number. I was thrilled to see her and spend some time with her. She looked so relaxed. She was her old self again and her arm and speech was much better too. I mentioned that I wanted to see if I could find myself a Blackberry too so I could be instantly aware of where she is and stay in contact with her and my family who almost all had one too, when she said I could have her old one if I had it fixed. I did just that and it made me feel as if it was the best thing anyone had ever done for me. We made plans to get together over the weekend and just have some alone time. She had spoken to a lawyer and had started divorce proceedings.

I felt like jumping up and down and cheering as I listened to her vow not to go back ever again, but deep down inside I knew she would at a drop of a hat go back again if he started begging her. I could not tell her what to do. She had to make that decision herself but wished I could  tell her to just delete him off her phone or simply just switch it off for a few days and find herself. She had unpacked and cleared herself of all the cobwebs. She was her old self again and smiled and laughed easy.  I was happy to see her be herself again. The Saturday evening came and I sent her a text to say I would start the fire at 5pm. I made salads and prepared my dishes and looked forward to having her over. She replied a few minutes later to say she is too lazy and cold to move. I did not want to push her so I said it’s fine and that I understood. She came by unannounced the next day and we spent an hour or two together. She asked if my husband would be able to help her drain and replace the oil in her car and we arranged for it to be done the Monday. Monday came and went and I heard nothing from her so I sent her a BB text asking her if she was still coming over. I saw that the text was delivered but not read so I sent her friend a text too asking if she was busy. The reply took every last bit of breath straight out of my lungs.  She simply said: “See her Status”

One week, Just one week that’s all it took for her to melt and feel sorry for him again and believe his lies, and so without telling anyone she left and went back to him.

I love you with all my heart and you will always be my friend, but I cannot stand by any more and listen to the whistle blow. I so badly and madly want to see you happy but cannot believe you any more when you tell me to my face that it’s all over and then you turn around and go back. He will make you wear his ring FOREVER. a ring is eternal and Abuse is just what it is, Eternal as well. it’s Forever. The more you go back the more you lose. every single time you go back he is the winner and you lose a little more of yourself and the respect and love of those that really care for you the most. What will it take for you to become Free of the bondage of that ring? Death? By his hands?

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