Stop Spinning so fast.

Published June 4, 2017 by Kappaloca

Can the world just please stop spinning for a while? Just a few seconds slower please.

As much as I try to fit everything i still want to do in one day I keep finding that I did not do all the things I set out to do. Am I just getting old and slow or has the world’s rotation sped up a bit?

I promised to do the washing today. Did I do it? NO – Because it was more important to go have a Milkshake an Waffle day with my daughters. I say my daughters as I did not even invite my son. He stayed home to watch his Dad and get his homework done. I will spend a Mom and Son day with him alone. Who gives a shit about washing anyway? Wash it tomorrow. If the sun comes out. And if it does not? Well there is always a next day.

Time has a way of slipping away from us. Tasks pile up and some are trashed as they are not that important. Always make time for Family. Family takes prevalence over any tasks that needed doing.

I had a bucket list. Yup … HAD. Who cares if I had done a skydive or jumped off a Cliff or seen The Eiffel Tower? What matters most is that my children had seen me and I had seen them. Some days I feel like killing them or dropping them off inside the Lion Park but  then we kiss and make up and Life goes on. I want them to remember the Good and the Bad times so creating some Good times are of paramount importance as I will not always be around. I am going greyer by the day, getting older by the minute but I swear what ever time I do have left (No I am not dying ) I will do my very best to create the Memories they will need one day to carry on.

I realise now that sweating all the small stuff like cleaning their rooms and making sure their nails are always clean is just a bunch of shit they do not need in life. Being alive, Laughing,  and spending TIME together is what matters most. 

Have I taken on too much? Who’s fault is that? Not their fault.

Am I complaining with a Silver spoon dangling from my hip? Yes

Is the world still spinning too fast? Yes

Can I get back the time wasted on trivial things? NO!

Would I do things differently if given the chance? YES!!!

Do I feel guilty for the missed opportunities? NO! It is unnecessary to take a trip on the guilt train or to play the blame game. Everything happened for a reason. See it as a learning curve. a fulfilment of a Bucket List created by Nature.

It is what it is. 

The only spinning I now need to do is spin the washing in the Tumble Drier.

Having Milkshake with my Grandson makes Life slow down enough. For me the world spun slower for a few minutes today.

PS: I love you.

20170604_112517[1]

 

Letter for my Children

Published January 13, 2017 by Kappaloca

 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I see that you’ve grown over night. Your face is more defined, your eyes look older. A part of me is excited and in awe; I know you have so much ahead of you. Another part is scared because time is racing and I can’t slow it down. I’m afraid that I haven’t always been awake and noticing, and that somehow I have slept through the magic of your growing. I wonder, have I enjoyed you enough? Have I given you what you needed?

I’m not always good at this. I’m not always as good as I want to be at being your mom. I want to be great; and sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I get it, and sometimes I don’t.

Sometimes I do it right, and sometimes I completely miss it.

Everyday I make mistakes.

Sometimes I snap when I should be sensitive. Sometimes I lecture and give chores when what you needed was a hug. Sometimes I completely and utterly miss it. I know that I do. I mistake your pain for complaining or your sad heart for a bad attitude. I watch myself miss it, and later I grieve that I didn’t respond differently.

I miss it when I am scared. I am scared of big things and little things. I really thought adults had it all figured out, but I am one now, and it turns out we don’t. Sometimes fear snatches my heart and I can’t seem to think of anything else. I forget to relax and to enjoy you. I forget to smile and to laugh. I’m working on that.

I miss it when I am lost. I’m struggling with my own demons and it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s anxiety or it’s depression, but it’s never, ever your fault. I will keep striving for wholeness so that when you reach those obstacles I can help you do the same.

I know that it is easy to hang on to the negative things and forget all the positive, but I want to set the record straight. When I look at you I am SO. PROUD. When I look at you I see good. I see someone who is mighty. I wonder how I have been trusted with such a treasure.

Please keep helping me to see you and to know you. Keep telling me when I hurt your feelings. Keep sharing with me your fears and your insecurities and we will figure it out together.

I’m okay with making mistakes, but I’m never okay with losing your heart. Your heart is what matters to me.

I hope that my weakness teaches you something. I hope that when you come upon your own brokenness, tiredness, fear, and confusion, that you will be okay with it. I pray that your imperfections won’t scare you as they have me. I pray that you won’t run from them, but that you’ll wrestle with them and you will keep showing up, saying sorry, and trying again.

We don’t always get it right and that’s okay.

We are all professional mistake makers, and you will make lots and lots of mistakes. You will make countless amounts of mistakes, just like I have, but not one could darken the light I see when I look at you. You are my treasure, you are my reason.

Even though life is racing by, sometimes we have a moment. Sometimes we can reach out, grab time, and hold it. The world stops, all is quiet, and we really see each other. In this moment when I glimpse the person you are and who you’re becoming, all I can think is…

Wow.

On this morning, where it seems you’ve grown overnight, I want to tell you that you are wonderful. You amaze me everyday – and as I watch you, you inspire me. You inspire me to pull out the greatness that’s inside me. In this family we will make mistakes, but we will keep doing it together and we will keep holding each other other tight.

It turns out I’m never, ever, going to be perfect, but I am always and forever yours, and I’m always and forever on your team. That I can promise you.

PS: Not my words but I resonate with what the writer said.

 

The Leftovers of a Stroke

Published December 7, 2016 by Kappaloca

In February of 2016 my husband had a stroke.

He spent 3 days in Hospital and another month in a Rehab to help him get back on his feet (literally) There is a Blood clot on the brain that cannot be operated on and his left Carotid artery is 100% damaged. He had speech problems and could not swallow properly. The biggest fear was that he would swallow food and it landing in his lungs. Daily physiotherapy to help him regain his feet and speech was tough but from day 3 he had become obstinate about the way things needed to be done. He point blank refused any  medical staff helping him to bath or dress, I had to do that for him which meant I had to get into the shower with him, wash him, dry him, dress him and get him back to bed. The drooling and not knowing that his food had slipped from his mouth was embarrassing for him. He constantly wiped away at his face but always on the wrongs side. Food would leak out the left and he would wipe the right hand side over and over. He started making foolish decisions and made remarks that was completely out of Character for him. He has always been an extremely proud man. Always very particular about his Hygiene but things would slowly change.

It has now been almost 10 months since the Stroke and I have become his permanent babysitter. He has become cynical, rude, critical, short tempered,depressed at times and very lethargic. There are times when he just stays in his room all day long. He mumbles, calls everyone in the house names and nothing anyone does is ever right. If things are not done his way he sulks for days. Policies had been changed, money has become a HUGE issue to the point of waiting days after payment dates had come and gone before making them. He decides what to buy for dinner for the day. (Mostly bland stews) He has made up his mind that certain foods will make him sick and refuses to eat any of it. His diet has become almost grey. Meat (Mostly chicken or beef), Potato’s, Rice and Butter beans. Vegetables are disgusting. His favourite cereal has become Nutrilife mixed with Yogurt (YUCK). My food always gets either criticised or simply pushed aside. He has developed a sweet tooth like never before.

He hates the fact that he should not drive to the point that he sold his motorbike. a very touchy subject as this was his pride and joy. He either washes the cars, polishes it for hours or just starts the cars and reverses them around the Yard. Now and then he takes the chance to drive to Town but the nerves and anxiety gets the better of him and he hands over the keys without saying anything. If you want him to explode you must say the words, “May not drive.”  He goes apeshit. “No doctor wrote a letter anywhere to say as much. I will Drive if I want to.”

I have become fairly housebound as he does not entertain the idea of me going anywhere by myself. Most days are spent indoors. I have to make sure there is someone home with him before I can leave or at least be on their way home soon. I realise it may be fear of something happening to him again and that no one is home but he would never admit this or say it out loud. He cannot understand that I do things differently to him. He does not like my friends coming over and as I have a large Social media circle of friends who I see and meet up with on a regular basis it has become an escape for me. Whether it is for one hour or three hours, it just gives me a bit of balance again. I miss seeing my friends and hate when I have to lie or make excuses for not being able to meet up with them. I have slowly but surely felt the separation and am not being invited to functions with them anymore. I spend almost half my day in front of my Pc now (which is also a problem) as there is just no Communication between us that would not turn nasty or into a mudslinging of words. My Pc has become my retreat. My place of connecting with a voiceless crowd. As he has the ability to use an i-pad with a stylis pen. He also goes onto social media and I have to be very careful and mindful of the things I post. He sees and reads everything but never ever makes any comments. I am constantly told not to post this or post that. Say this or say that. I get questioned about who I am friends with. I just don’t have the energy to argue with him over my cyber activities. It ranges from sharing Pages, Groups, Blogs, articles and running a Chat group for our local Community that I am very involved in.

Hygiene and time has become his enemy. He waits a few days before taking a shower but his hair (Long curly hair) needs to be brushed and plaited every day. He has gone from wearing stylish matching clothes to Sweatpants ( 4 sizes to big) , mis-shaped t-shirts and Crocs. Whenever we need to be at an event and I know it starts at say 7pm, I would have to tell him that it starts at 6pm in order for him to get ready on time. He will still start getting dressed at 5min to 6 and we would leave at 6:30pm. I dare not hurry him or he will simply have a blowout and stay home.

Almost every single house chore has been taken over as I suddenly have no clue how to clean or use appliances. Instead of letting it get to me I walk away and leave him to do it. It does not get done without a bit of lip from him and the trend is always negative but it gets done his way and gives him the satisfaction that he had done it.

His Obsession has become the daily newspaper and his TV. Once he takes the Remote no one dares change the Channel. It is always Sport. Bike races, Car Races, Cricket and Rugby. The newspaper gets read from first to last word and discarded on the floor. Not folded, chucked. It heaps up and gets left everywhere. His medication has grown from one container to four. We never travel without his Nebulizer. Seldom necessary anymore but it goes wherever we go. Medication boxes does not get thrown away as it needs to be kept for the next prescription. His bedside table looks like a dumpster had been overturned as he keeps everything and everything on it. Hairbrushes, cell phones, I pad, Books, Invoices and Statements, Car Papers, Wallet, knife, tools, pills and whatever else he may need next to him. Do not try and clear anything as that would upset him and start another war. There is also a constant pile of Paper Towel balls that has been used to wipe the side of his mouth. The bin is near enough to discard it but for some reason they get placed on top of the pile.

Anyone who lives with a person who has had a stroke will testify to the fact that things has become the complete opposite of life as we knew it. Everyday brings a new challenge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dad

Published June 25, 2015 by Kappaloca

a Piece of me has been taken Today.

May the Angels escort you to eternal rest.
You are my Hercules, my Hero.
I am thankful for every precious second I got to spend with you.
Although my heart is aching and my tears are running free
You deserve to be pain free.
Till we meet again one day I will carry you within me.

REST IN PEACE Daddy. 13 /10/43 to 30/03/15

Closure after the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to deal with. I am scared. Scared of losing the smells and the memories, Scared of losing the sounds associated with that person. I am scared of becoming overbearing. I am scared of pushing people away when I talk about my love for you. Every time I hear certain songs it reminds me of you. I wait for the phone to ring and hearing your Voice, but it will never come again. I wondered what your last words were. Tonight I found that answer. a massive concrete wall fell away from my shoulders. Knowing you loved me unconditionally releases every fibre of stress and pain. I am setting you free. Thankfully we have evolved and I can read and re read the e-mails we sent each other. they were never just ordinary e-mails, they we poetic. Each one carefully thought out, typed with difficulty but always with passion. I don’t care how pathetic my words sound to others. My pain is immense. I have not felt such emotions engulf me since the loss of my son. what keeps me going is my family, my children and friends who embrace me and hold me tight and send me messages of encouragement when I need them most.

Dad

Published April 21, 2015 by Kappaloca

d14

Closure after the loss of a loved one is one of the hardest things to deal with. I am scared. Scared of losing the smells and the memories, Scared of losing the sounds associated with that person. I am scared of becoming overbearing. I am scared of pushing people away when I talk about my love for you. Every time I hear certain songs it reminds me of you. I wait for the phone to ring and hearing your Voice, but it will never come again. I wondered what your last words were. Tonight I found that answer. a massive concrete wall fell away from my shoulders. Knowing you loved me unconditionally releases every fibre of stress and pain. I am setting you free. Thankfully we have evolved and I can read and re read the e-mails we sent each other. they were never just ordinary e-mails, they we poetic. Each one carefully thought out, typed with difficulty but always with passion. I don’t care how pathetic my words sound to others. My pain is immense. I have not felt such emotions engulf me since the loss of my son. what keeps me going is my family, my children and friends who embrace me and hold me tight and send me messages of encouragement when I need them most.

A Rejuvenating Trip

Published November 4, 2014 by Kappaloca

Life gets very stale if you keep doing the same monotonous thing over and over again.

Sometimes the very thing that can break through to your core is to take a trip. Almost like a Bucket list. Journey to places you have never been or seen. Ours started with a planned trip to an Anniversary Event for our Motorbike Club who just celebrated 10 years of Existence. a Lot of planning went into the trip and in one’s mind it is always a smooth transition. Reality though is that anything and everything that could possibly go wrong, would.

Set off on Wednesday afternoon and had a wonderful evening with old friends. We sat around the Table and just caught up about all things good. Lots of Coffee and laughter later we had to reluctantly get into bed as our Journey would mean for us to leave very early in the morning. a cool crisp morning greeted us as we left Port Elizabeth en route to Graaff-Reinett. The temperature soon started to rise and thing started heating up. The mountains and passes we went through took one’s breath away.

im4

Miles and miles of farmland and hills on a almost cloudless day

I stared out the window of the car for ages just taking in all the beauty South Africa has to give. The Temperature was rising by the minute but thankfully we soon entered Graaff-Reinett a small Town in the Karoo. Stopped at a local eatery and ordered some Lunch. Whilst there I took my phone and “checked in” Within minutes got a call and asked where we were as some of our other members were also in the same town but different location. As we had already ordered we stayed. The food was terrible. Disappointed and still hungry we finished and left to meet up with the others a mere two blocks further up the Road at a place called “The Lemon Tree” It’s a house but it is also a Pub. Frequented by locals and bikers alike. a refreshing stop for anyone travelling to “Grafies” as this Town is also called. The name of the establishment derives from the Huge Lemon tree that grows in the Courtyard. It bares Fruit all year round and carries three varieties of Lemons. The Owner, JP is quick to pluck out a bag and asks you to help yourself. After filling my bag we sat around the bar waiting for their food to arrive. What an amazing plate of food served with a smile and for almost half the price of the Junk food we just ate. You are sure to see us again JP.

IMG_20141030_124921

The Lemon Tree Bar in Graaff-Reinett

DSCF4152

This Majestic Church can be seen from all four sides of the Town

As our Journey has now grown to a fellowship of 8 we set off for the next part. Our next Fuel Stop would be Colesburg.

Ps. Next episode of our Journey to follow

%d bloggers like this: